


i was drowning (but you said my name)

by maywitherspoon



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood-centric, Alec is kinda sad, Alec teaches archery, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bad parenting from Alec's parents, Canon Era, Canon Universe, Crush at First Sight, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Fluff, Idris - Freeform, Jace is a good friend, Jace is the supporting bffl, Little Homophobia from Alec's parents, Love, M/M, Magic, Magnus has a son, Magnus is kinda sad too, Shadowhunter!Alec, Shadowhunters - Freeform, but kinda, but they're gay for each other, curse, mild swearing, not exactly an au, only a tad bit though, parent!magnus, warlock!Magnus, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-20
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-01-20 10:23:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 36,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12430812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maywitherspoon/pseuds/maywitherspoon
Summary: In a small town of Idris, where Alec finds himself, he finds Magnus too.In a small town of Idris, far away from Magnus' apartment in Brooklyn, he finds Alec too- again.In that small town of Idris, they both find themselves, in more ways than one.





	1. 1: Manage me, I’m a mess.

When he was 13, his sister and best friend had thought that making lists about the person they would most likely be attracted to would be fun. It was a juvenile thought, soon dissolved in a mess of giggles and unrealistic expectations. 

 

Isabelle, his sister who was merely 12, ever the cunning (in a good way), bossy (in a better way), and disconcerting (in the best way) had mustered up a toothy grin, her ebony hair flowing like a waterfall shielding her list from the rest of the world as she had exclaimed, “He should be smart, funny, and handsome with glasses!” with an adorable lisp caused by the loss of her incisors. 

 

Jace, his best friend (and first crush), who was nearing 13 had lit up like the freaking sun and giggled loud at Isabelle’s description. “I want my girlfriend to be a redhead (Alec knew it was his Hermione Granger phase), beautiful, smart, and artistic because I love looking at people draw me.” 

 

Alec had not understood then, but give it a few years and he understood the clench he felt in his heart when Jace had said ‘she’. 

 

When asked Alec to speak up about his ideal ‘girlfriend’, Alec had blushed a beautiful crimson, nervously setting his hair (it was his nervous tick since he had first seen his father do it) and had said, “My perfect person has to be fearless (in thinking that Jace was that), magical (because that was the only way he could describe Jace), calm (because he thought Jace was calm when it came to a lot of situations), patient with me (because he thought he was chaotic and messy, and the most impatient a person could be), graceful (Alec was known for his clumsiness and Jace, for his picturesque moments), and likes me the way I am (because Alec was insecure). 

 

When 13 turned to 14 and 14 to 17, he had realized a very few, fundamental things. 

 

Contrary to beliefs led by a very heteronormative peer and family group, Alec could never have a girlfriend. He was very much into boys (the realization dawned upon him when he was with his family in the church one beautiful Sunday morning and instead of listening to his pastor summon good words, he was shamelessly checking out the pastor’s nephew clad in a black button up.) It had resulted in nothing but a few sleepless nights. There was no sudden realisation though, as if Alec had known this all along, and a shallow cut to his skin would have easily been his reckoning (as he had already been staring at Jace a little too long on his 16th birthday, staring at his plump lips a little too much than what is considered to be friendly and leaned a little too much). 

 

Second thing he realised was that Jace was anything but fearless (he was reckless), anything but magical (it was pure luck that he managed to move that way), anything but calm, (Jace was loud, and made his presence known to everyone within a 15 mile radius), anything but patient (he was more impatient and immature than Alec), anything but graceful (they were moves practiced in front of the mirror a thousand times to impress girls), and liked him for the way he was (because that is what best friends do). His crush on Jace remained for not more than a few minutes after that. 

 

Cut to 6 years later, and even after escaping his own home and sister and everyone he had ever known, Jace remained the only person he was still in contact with. 

 

Alec’s dream ended with the remanence of the sweet smell of sitting in Isabelle’s room, a pink paper with words written in messy handwriting slowly fading into the distance, as Alec tried to grab onto it until it crumbled into nothingness. 

 

Unwelcomed light seeped through the cracks of Alec’s window. Swallowing a groan, he pried his eyes open, only to be consumed by the overwhelming sun reflecting in his room. With great effort and dread washing over him, Alec stood up, stretching and wincing as his back cracked. Walking around his tiny apartment while being half asleep was not as difficult as it would have been a month ago (he still had bruises from banging into almost every corner of his house) but it was certainly not what he was looking forward to.  

 

With a rush of familiar uncertainty and his toothbrush hanging from his mouth with foam splattered around his uneven stubble, he tried focusing on himself in the mirror that was cracked on the sides. He grimaced, his pale blue eyes lazily blinking back at him. His hair was sticking up in all directions, dark circles prominent under his eyes as he mastered the look of looking hungover without touching a single drop of alcohol in days. 

 

He would kill for one, he thought, as he gargled and got under the shower. 

 

The dim light in his bathroom, which had to be switched on even in the mornings, because of the unusual darkness that surrounded it, flickered ominously. 

 

As soon as he got out of the shower, he noticed his phone ringing in the distance. Wrapping a towel around himself, he grimaced as he saw who was calling. 

 

**_Jace calling..._ **

**_Accept                Decline_ **

Without an ounce of regret, he let the phone ring until it went to voicemail. He could always text him later as if that is what he definitely not doing for the last 30 days. Sat on his bed, clad in almost nothing, he longed to go back to sleep, just fall back into nothingness. But he couldn’t afford to do that, with stacked up bills on his kitchen counter and decreasing amount of food in his refrigerator every day. 

 

He took out the same jeans he had been wearing for the past 3 days, grabbed on some t-shirt without even looking at it, and left for work. 

 

Flinching at the harsh rays of the sun, he wished that it would rain or be gloomy for even a little time in Idris. Idris seemed like a place that was surreal. It was a small town, in the middle of nowhere and everything seemed to blend into everything. Some buildings looked like they exactly belonged there, with rustic exteriors as cold winds surrounding them, as if to say ‘Keep out. Don’t bother anyone.’ Some houses looked like they were plucked from an alternate reality, with splashes of blue and yellow and red, resembling a toy house, and settled there with careless precision. 

 

It seemed like everything and everyone was in a weird trance, a dark cloud looming over everyone the same way, except it was always sunny. Alec thought he would feel better if the atmosphere would match the nature of everyone here. 

 

He was pretty sure he had a neighbour, who had a child, and another neighbour who talked to his houseplants while his husband came home and laughed at his antics (loudly calling him a spork most of the times and laughing fondly), but never in his 1 month of being here had he ever seen either one of them. 

 

Maybe this is why Idris was so calm, so peaceful. Nobody cared enough about everyone. And maybe that is exactly what had made him come to Idris in the first place. Everyone was accepting, without anyone saying ‘Come talk to me, I am here’ with a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate. 

 

And so he hoped and hoped that it rained for even a day in Idris (maybe to reflect how he was feeling inside all the time, maybe to put his heart at ease, which unusually contradicted how he was). 

 

On his way to the Local Activity Club where he taught kids archery, he pulled out his phone to text Jace. 

 

**_To Jace:_ **

 

**Hey, just saw that you had called. I am alright,** **_MOM._ ** **Idris is still the same. Missing you. Will talk after 7, okay?**

 

Jace replied almost immediately. 

 

**_To Alec:_ **

 

**I am sorry if I care about my only best friend. Isabelle is really worried btw, have been avoiding her for the past couple of days. She is onto me, Alec! I will try as long as I can to protect your secret. Take care, BRO. I am totally not missing your dry wit and sarcastic remarks.**

 

A tinge of nostalgia struck his heart as hard as an icicle piercing his heart. Her name alone was enough to make his eyes glossy. 

 

**_To Jace:_ **

 

**Thank you for not telling her where I am (srsly, don’t tell her. I can’t after what happened that day. I need some time).**

 

He chucked his phone back into his pocket as he made his way to the Activity Club, cleverly called The Pandemonium, he smiled at the receptionist, Maia as she handed him a paper to mark his attendance. 

 

“I am very pleased to announce you,” she said in a tone that was subtly teasing and high-key amused, “that Magnus Bane is waiting for you.” 

 

Her wide smile was so contagious that even Alec couldn’t help but smile back at her. 

 

“Oh really?” He chuckled, casting a convulsed grin at where his office is, “and is that supposed to be a big deal?”

 

Maia stood up, grinning cheekily. “The biggest of them all! Go, meet him!” she said, pushing him to where his office is. 

 

“Jeez, Maia, way to not make me freaked out about social interactions,” Alec said but as he uttered those words, he noticed that she had already resumed her place, furiously typing and wearing an earpiece. 

 

‘Oh well,’ he thought and began nervously setting his hair as he moved towards his office. 

 

Alec couldn’t have known that his life would change the minute he opened that door. He couldn’t have known at all, that the red string of fate that had carefully woven both their paths together would carefully tug them closer, and closer, and closer, until Alec opened the door. 

 

Blue eyes met golden ones as soon as he opened the door and that’s when the last sense of wit that he had managed to keep his until that moment flew out of the open window. His heart was thudding in his ribcage and he was stupefied that his heart wasn’t beating out of his (slightly) torn and (mildly) overused sweatshirt. 

 

His mouth parted as the flamboyant individual, clad in a golden suit (that he could carry on with ease and somehow managed to make it look like the most casual attire that a person would lounge in) grinned at him, his cat-like eyes forming into a warm smile. 

 

Alec could’ve sworn that if he ever looked back at himself during this particular moment, he would cringe and cry of embarrassment at the way he was openly staring at the man in front of him. 

 

“Hi there,” (presumably) Magnus grinned, “I am Magnus Bane and I want to enroll my son into your Archery Program. Can we sit down and discuss a few details?” 

 

Alec somehow managed to find his voice and extend his hand in order to shake Magnus’ beautifully ring-adorned hands that were soft and firm in the right places. “Hey, I am Alexander Lightwood and you’ve come to the right guy.” 

 

Alec had not thought that Magnus could smile a bit wider (but then, he hadn’t even thought that he would be shaking his clammy hands with a God) and let himself at ease just before Magnus said “Alex-an-der” (as if testing and tasting his name on his tongue) and Alec shivered but shook his head a little and sat down where he usually sits down, pointing at where he usually makes his clients sit. 

 

“My son’s name is Max Bane,” started Magnus, his voice honey smooth and eyes piercing into every inch of Alec, as he fixed his vibrant red fringe that was falling into his face. “He has been interested in Archery ever since the day I adopted him, actually, and I was waiting for the right man to show up,” Magnus’ glittery eyes twinkled, “and there you did.”

 

Alec mirrored the smile Magnus portraying (hoping that he did not look like a fool he was picturing in his head), and resumed talking about the details of the Archery Program. 

 

Max was merely six, an active boy with the sense humor that extended well beyond his age, had explained Magnus. His smile was warm as he talked about his son like he knew him inside out, even though he was adopted only a month ago. 

 

Fifteen minutes flew by (just like Alec’s shred of self-respect), and Magnus was bidding good-bye. 

 

He extended his hand, his eyes still sparkling, never losing its mirth. “It was nice meeting you, Alexander. I will see you tomorrow when I come here to drop my son.” 

 

As the door closed behind him, the smell of his cologne never leaving Alec’s office (and his mind for the coming century), Alec replied “You too,” in almost a delicate whisper, so weak that it was said in even less than a puff of breath. 

 

He looked out of his window, watching Magnus pet a dog and walking away, with the same amount of flamboyance, disappearing into plain view. 

  
Everything in Idris  _ did  _ morph into a monochromic tone, except Magnus who stood out, almost like a rainbow in a town that only knew storm (and maybe the town was him, and maybe he had been so accustomed to storms and so used to drowning that he had  _ almost  _ missed the ray of hope that was shoved in his face).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from All Time Low's song: Weightless.  
> 


	2. 2: I think of you as a Yellow Flower

When he was 7, Alec desperately, hopelessly, and eagerly wanted a cat. It started as a weird obsession after his neighbours got one. He was often asked to babysit the neighbour’s majestic ginger maned cat (they had named the cat Gingerbread, but Alec, aghast by the cliched name chosen for the cat, refused to call it that) with sea green eyes, who always looked like he could scratch anyone’s face off, (and it almost had scratched his bully’s face off once), and looked like he hated everyone (and the cat did, except Alec).

The adoptees had grown a strange liking towards Alec because of the way he could deal with the cat, and soon that house became Alec’s second home, until they mysteriously disappeared as if they were a figment of Alec’s cat deprived brain. Even all these years later, Alec thought about sweet Mrs. Bakes who, staying true to her name always smelled like cookies.

This fixation with cats didn’t disappear like Mrs. Bakes (Alec’s parents hoped it had). Alec wrote ‘Please get me a cat,' filling one entire notebook, after three sleepless nights, only to see it burn in the fireplace, along with his hopes and dreams.

Poor little Alec didn’t think he could ever feel more hurt and betrayed than he had at that moment and little Alec had hoped his parents ruthlessness ended there (he was, as future years will tell, majestically proven wrong).

When Alec moved to Idris, he knew he had to live up to little Alec’s pledge of adopting a cat, and he knew he was getting a cat, especially the one he had been introduced to called Mewton. Mewton was a black cat, white spots of ginger and white around his ears. He loved Alec so much, that on the second day they met while he was being interviewed, he fell asleep on Alec’s lap. On the third day they met, Mewton had already started following Alec around.

In the following days till he waited for a call of ‘Hey, Alec! Mewton is yours!’, he was shaking in anticipation and had bought a lot of cat toys that Mewton would probably not even like, drowning himself in bills even more.

So when he did receive a call from the shelter later that evening, he definitely was not expecting a- “Alec, I regret to inform you that Mewton is being adopted by someone else.”

Alec held his phone so tight that he could feel his fist shaking. “What!” he exclaimed, almost screaming, and definitely scaring the birds so cleverly seated on his window seal, the cigarette in his hand, long forgotten along with the beauty of the almost-evening sky.

“I am sorry, Mr. Lightwood, someone more...influential and in dire need of a cat will be adopting Chairman Meow, I regret to inform you this.”

“Who the fuck is Chairman Meow?

There was silence on the other end of the phone, and a little hesitation after Alec’s question. “Um, sir, this is Alexander Lightwood, correct?”

Alec, now leaning on his window seal, gazing directly at the plethora of flowers growing in his plant obsessed neighbour’s balcony downstairs, sighed exasperatedly. “The last I checked, yes.”

His neighbour had a variety of yellow flowers, vaguely reminding him yellow-green eyes plaguing his thoughts since morning. 

“Chairman Meow is the cat, you so keenly wanted to adopt, Sir,” the person on the other line said, with a snark, choosing to ignore the rude undertone in Alec’s remark.

“Wasn’t his name Mewton? The one with fluffy black fur-”

“-and lazy blue eyes, with spots of white and ginger around his ears, yes,” the volunteer mumbled.

Alec frowned, his eyes focused on the ash of his cigarette (thankfully) missing the neighbour’s plants every time. “He was definitely called Mewton. He responded every time I called his name.”

The volunteer sighed, “The last I checked, Sir, I volunteer here, not you. And Chairman Meow obviously responded to you, you had the treats. No wonder he was adopted by someone better.”

Alec felt a pang of...something at his words. Something he thought he had long forgotten at his native house. _Someone better. Someone better. Someone better._ It did not take long for his mind to conjure the repetition of those words into the voices of his parents. He closed his eyes, forcing himself to not cry over this. He could adopt another cat, his head said.

 _Don't cry over this,_ his head said. _Don't cry over this._ ”I am sorry, have a good day,” he said. _Don't cry over this._

He closed his windows, not even bothering to check the soft saffron glow the sun had all over Idris. _Don't cry over this._ The cigarette butt was left on his window sill, him not even bothering to check if it was out. _Don't cry over this._ He flopped his body on his sofa, turned over and cried.

One of the most fundamental things he realised while he was face deep into his second hand sofa crease was that when tears as hot as the devil’s breath were streaming down his eyes, his sofa crease provided much better comfort than any human had ever. His silent whimpering was broken apart only by the shrill ringing of his phone, an unidentified number flashing across his mostly broken screen.

For a second there, his heart imagined a pair of yellow green eyes in the middle of a dark room, waiting by his Victorian style dressing table, patiently thrumming his fingers, waiting for Alec, or rather _Alexander_ to pick up, but his mind quickly chastised his heart and deduced that it was probably Jace from a different number, since all Alec did was miss his calls.

His mind was wrong.

His heart was also wrong.

“Is this Mr. Lightwood?” a soft, feminine voice, that Alec strangely found familiar asked.

“Yeah,” he said, moving his head so it was no longer muffled by the pillow covers. “Who is this?”

He could har a sigh of relief from the other side of the line, followed by a “This is Clary Fray, I am one of the volunteers at the animal shelter. We had met once, when you were on your weekly visit.”

Alec remembered Clary and her carrot coloured hair, her face full of freckles that anyone would be jealous of. Her eyes were almost like Gingerbread’s. Alec nearly got a head rush from standing up that fast, his hand automatically moving to set his hair down, as if Clary suddenly had the powers to see him right now.

“Yes, I remember you!” he exclaimed, his voice, becoming sharp with every word. “Is Mewt-Chairman Meow not adopted? Can I finally adopt him?” he said with a haste, frantically moving around his squiffy apartment.

Clary’s voice softened, “No, I’m afraid not, Alec. I heard Jordan break the awful news in the most abominable way possible, I figured you could use a friend.”

A mirthless laughed erupted from his chest. Of course he got his hopes up again. Of-fucking-course he did! He wouldn’t be Alec if he didn’t. He closed his eyes, his hand massaging his forehead, finding it even harder to speak. “We have known each other for literally an hour, Clary.”

“Is that a problem?” she questioned. “I mean, you can obviously say no if you want to, but I saw you with Chairman Meow, and how close you two were, and I know you are new here, so I thought you could always use a friend. You can obviously say no,” she quickly rambled.

Alec exhaled through his nose, and his heart hoping that Alec would say no, succumbing to the darkness in that soft sofa crease but his mind shut his heart up once again, saying, “ _He needs someone to be with him, heart. Don’t you remember the last time he isolated himself? He ran away from his home._ ” The heart could only reluctantly agree.

“Where do you want to meet, Clary?” he finally asked, a nervous feeling suddenly setting in his chest. He hadn’t made a friend in a long, long time.

“The Brocelind Gardens? If you know where they, are of course.”

It was 2 minutes away from his apartment.

“I’ll meet you there in 10.”

***

Clary had her wild hair tied in a bun today, her oversized sweatshirt, exhibiting the stains from what it seemed like a myriad of blue and yellow shades. Her eyes were still as green as Alec remembered, her face adorning a smile that could blind the sun itself. As soon as Alec approached her, Clary embraced him, tighter than he had ever been hugged before, and he was waiting for that feeling of being smothered in a mob to rattle his bones, but it never came.

Instead, he found himself hugging her small frame back.

When she pulled back, she sat right back on the ground she was standing on, and only then did Alec notice all the art supplies lying beside her, helpless under the evening sun.

“I am sorry for the way Jordan behaved today,” Clary began, picking the grass beside her, pausing, seeming to pick her words as carefully as she was carelessly picking the grass.

Alec sighed, taking his face in his hands. “That is not what bothered me.”

Clary’s shoulders slumped, her eyes showing more emotion than her words could ever fathom. “It must be hard, Alec. Something no other cat can replace, I’m sure.”

Alec hummed, not knowing what to say, as he leaned back on his hands. “Chairman Meow is with us till the end of the week until his new adoptees come to pick him up. You should meet him before, he would like it.”

Alec’s eyes turned a little more hopeful. “I- um, thanks for telling me, I guess?” he said, scratching his head, suddenly feeling under scrutiny.

Clary’s eyes brightened. “I will text you the timings, Alec. Don’t you worry.”

“Who is adopting him, though?”

“I don’t know about that either, but they sure as hell can charm their way through anything, if they can get through mum, you know.”

Alec’s reply was cut off by a soft ‘watch out!’ as a frisbee directly collided with his forehead.

His hands gave out, and he fell on his back.

“Urghh,” he groaned, his hand holding the wound, as if it would stop the searing pain into his skull.

He heard two gasps in a row, followed by a gentle, almost inaudible, “I am so sorry, Mixter! The wind took away my frisbee and it landed on your forehead, I hope you are alright.”

Alec tried to say, “Don’t worry kiddo, I am fine,” but it came out as a grunt and an extremely sad thumbs-up.

“Yeah, Alec, are you alright?” he recognized Clary’s voice, which made him open his eyes, only coming in contact with a pair of dark blue eyes, and a small, face.

“Yeah, Alexander, are you alright?”

This made him sit up at a very quick pace, which would be quite hilarious if it wasn’t for Alec suddenly grabbing his head. Clary quickly came to his side, holding his arms to keep him from falling.

When everything had stopped spinning again, he dared to open his eyes, only to meet with a pair of eyes reflecting the entire scenery of the garden. Magnus was crouching with impeccable ease, and Alec just gaped at him, his mouth half open, as Magnus grabbed his chin, pulling him upwards as if he was examining his bruise.

Alec flushed, and his wound camouflaged.

“I am so sorry, Alexander,” Magnus murmured, still peering at Alec as if he was examining every part of his face to see if the damage was grave. “My son and I, completely clueless about angles threw the frisbee without even estimating where it would go. Does it hurt bad?”

Magnus had not left his chin.

“No- not that bad,” Alec replied, finding his voice again (he seems to lose it at the most convenient times), and even managed a lopsided smile, trying to move away from Magnus’ fingers that were shooting sparks down his spine.

Magnus still had not left his chin.

“Are you sure? We can always go to the hospital and get you checked,” he gazed attentively.

“Trust me,” Alec said, “I have had worse.”

Magnus had still not left his chin.

Magnus chuckled, the rings on his fingers seeming colder against Alec’s flushed skin, his smile, densing his vision and the yellow flower he had tucked behind his ear, a little too bright. “Well, if you say so.”

Magnus was crowding every sense he had instilled in him. His eyes could only see Magnus, he could only hear his velvety chuckle every time he tried to block something out, he could feel the tingles across his face because Magnus merely held onto his chin a little too long, his nose filled with the cologne Magnus had put on and his mind and heart repeating Magnus, Magnus, Magnus, Magnus in unison. (It somehow seemed that only Magnus could unite the two.)

He was overwhelmed.

Alec forcefully took his chin out of Magnus’ grasp. Magnus’ hands wavered, his smile dimmed a little, as he caught on (not that Alec noticed any of that, he was too busy counting grass), and Alec’s chin burned just a little more.

Magnus turned his attention towards Clary (not his full attention though, because moments after he met Alec he realised that nothing could ever capture his attention more than Alec had), and smiled. “It is quite good to see you, biscuit.”

Clary laughed, “It is indeed, Magnus. I did not know you two knew each other, before.”

Magnus sat down in Indian style, folding his legs, pulling Max towards him and said, “Yeah, Alexander in fact, is teaching little Max here archery tomorrow.”

Clary visibly perked up, clapping her hands as she and Max engaged in a conversation about archery that soon turned into Comic books.

The sun slowly began to fade into an abyss, and the group of four got up, walking towards the exit of the park together.

“You know, Alexander,” Magnus said, suddenly turning up beside him, “I quite enjoyed your company today.

Alec’s heart fluttered. Talking to Magnus had been comfortable. That was the word for it. He didn’t feel the need to live up to an expectation that he, himself had drawn over his head every time he spent time with someone he was interested in. It was as if Magnus had laughed that velvety laugh of his, and with a flick of his wrist, erased that line of expectations he had to live up to.

“Right back at ya, Magnus,” Alec said, deciding against winking on the same day they met.

“We should hang out more, Alexander,” Magnus said, his smile reaching his eyes, as they rounded up near Alec's lane.

“We will,” Alec smiled, bidding farewell to everyone, ruffling Max’s hair and entering his lane.

If Magnus had a visible aura, Alec thought, it would be bright red, with glitter floating all around him. His smile was real, for the first time in a long time, and it stayed on his lips till the moment he saw his old friend, Harley Davidson, parked beautifully where his parking space was, and a note attached to it.

_**I miss you, big brother. Please come back home.** _  
_**I am so, so sorry for what happened.** _  
_**Love you,** _  
_**Isabelle xx.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is from "Yellow Flower- Mae"
> 
> I've used a term, 'Mixter' in the chapter, which is a gender neutral substitute for Ms./Mr. 
> 
> It is abbreviated as Mx., but many people pronounce it as Mixter :)


	3. 3: Someday soon I'll run (I'll run with you).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in the title is Velvet Sheets by Goth Babe. 
> 
> ( Also, thank you for leaving kudos and comments! It makes my day :] )
> 
> TW: Mentions of physical abuse, and a little sad in the middle.

“Do you remember when you were 15 and Isabelle was 14, and your parents had let you out of the house, along with her for the first time to attend a fair two streets over and we had lost her?” Jace rhetorically asked as soon as he picked up Alec’s call.

 

Alec, completely ignoring the thudding of his heart and the sweat coating his forehead, did not reply. 

 

Jace, quite used to Alec’s prolonged silences, continued talking anyway because that is what Jace always did, “We had lost her, Alec, and I remember you shaking and praying and hoping that it was you who should’ve been lost instead because your parents hated you anyway and that would’ve been easier because Izzy had a lot to live for, and while you were wailing, your eyes suddenly drifted, your body moving in a direction we hadn’t checked yet as if, a psychic connection was pulling you towards her, and we had found her, in a corner punching a boy who was troubling another girl, and you had run, taking her in your arms, promising to never disappear on her like that. Do you remember?” 

 

Alec’s fist was clenched, his nails digging deep into his palms, like 4 blunt knives trying to harm his skin. “Why are you saying this, Jace?” he muttered through clenched teeth as if clenching them could stop the seething anger bubbling inside him. 

 

“Because, Alec,” Jace’s voice grew soft (which it hardly ever did), “That is the day we promised each other, that whenever we get lost, or if we stray far from home, we will never, ever, give up on finding each other. Ever,” Jace said, accentuating on the ‘ever’. 

 

“You knew,” Alec said, his voice, barely a whisper, “You knew that she knew where I was, yet you chose to lie to me,” he said in a tone as if continuously saying ‘ _ How could you? How could you? You promised. You promised.’ _

 

“Alec, I didn’t until an hour ago. You have to trust me on this,” Jace said, his voice suddenly quiet as if no-one was meant to hear about this but him. 

 

Alec’s laughter thundered across his parking space. “Trust you?” he asked, his voice covered in poison. “Why am I supposed to do that?” 

 

“Because, as much as I love Izzy, you were the one who held me when Dad died. You are my best friend, Alec. I would never, ever reveal where you were. Especially after what she’s done,” Jace said, his words sounding almost like a silent plea to believe him. Alec could almost picture him pinching the space between his eyebrows. 

 

“What was the point of making me nostalgic over the stupid memory then?” Alec asked, his hands still shivering, a cold sheet of sweat pronouncing how anxious he was feeling. 

 

“Because, you should’ve known that she would never give up on looking for you, Alec. The stubbornness runs in the family.” 

 

Alec finally let out of a small puff of breath, his hand holding his head, forcing his upcoming headache to never come. 

 

“Is she here?” Alec finally asked, breaking the paper strong silence that was occasionally broken by the grasshopper and crickets. 

 

“No,” Jace said. “She knows you need space. And she is ready to give you that,” Jace said, another statement followed by silence. 

 

“Are you always going to stay there, then?” Jace finally asked, the question hanging between their 5-minute text conversations suddenly plucked out and handed to him on a cold plate. 

 

“People here are nice.” 

 

“I am in Brooklyn and I am amazing too!” Jace exclaimed. “I can tell you’ve missed these biceps.” 

 

“It is just you, Jace. The only person I can stand in the radius of Brooklyn,” Alec muttered, a cold hard truth, out in the open, ignoring Jace’s attempt at making the situation light. 

 

“Don’t you also miss the cute bartender from our club, though?” Jace asked, his voice cocky and teasing. 

 

Alec could not even bother laughing. 

 

His heartbeat had slowed down by the time he reached his apartment and he had disconnected the phone, his stomach, loudly rumbling as he looked for something to eat. 

 

Maybe, some people just don’t deserve to be happy. 

 

His stomach stopped rumbling, his appetite gone. 

 

Maybe that’s how it is. Maybe no-one is truly happy, either extremely good at pretending, repressing, or just, plain ignorant. 

 

Maybe, it just gets worse. 

 

He was feeling increasingly pukish by the moment, his head spinning, his eyes dry as he stared at the empty wall while leaning on his kitchen counter. 

 

Whom had he ever displeased to have bad days ( _ bad years rather,  _ his heart supplied.  _ No,  _ replied his mind,  _ it wasn’t all that bad _ .)

 

_ You have a habit of living the black and white of life, don’t you?  _ His former therapist’s words resonated in his mind.  _ It is either a good day for you or a bad. It is never in between. It has never been. You should know, Alexander, that if you dream of living in only the brightness and darkness of life and never in between, then all you’re ever going to do is disappoint yourself. Whenever your brain gives you evidence of a day being bad, reflect on your day. Pick out the happy moments- it can be anything, seeing a dog, anything- and indulge in that feeling.  _

 

Alec had been furious, accused of something as grave as this, before he realised how true it was and he tried looking at the good things that must’ve happened. It was (so) hard. But he tried his best. And sometimes, he did succeed, falling asleep with a tiny hope radiating from his heart. 

 

So he closed his eyes and thought of everything good that happened. 

 

_ He met Magnus. _ He made two friends.  _ He saw Magnus, again.  _ The sky looked pretty today.  _ Magnus shook his hand.  _ He saw a grey pug today.  _ Magnus held his chin.  _ He cried only once.  _ Magnus. Magnus. Magnus. Magnus.  _

 

Heart almost beating out of his chest and startled, he shook his head. No, no,  _ no, no.  _ Depending on another person for happiness? This was  _ beyond  _ unhealthy. And it had only been a day. 

 

With his hands tugging his hair, and familiar nausea gradually making its way in his throat, he opened his window, gazing down at the plethora of flowers illuminated by the light from inside the flat of his downstairs neighbours, gulping deep breaths the cold air November fostered. 

 

He was about to light his cigarette when his doorbell rang. 

 

Tired eyes contemplated on opening the door, but he felt bad for whoever it was on the other side. Leaving his cigarette on his windowsill, he opened his door, surprised to find two men, around his height, smiling warmly with a tray of lasagna. 

 

“How may I help you?” asked Alec, leaning, trying his hard to smile back. 

 

“Hi!” the man with enthusiastic blue eyes exclaimed.”I am Lukas and this is my husband Daniel! We live downstairs and thought we would come up and say hi since you have been living here for a month and we’ve been bad neighbours.”

 

“So you are the one who has the beautiful balcony with the flowers,” Alec said, with a small smile, stepping aside to let them in. 

 

Daniel smiled unwarily, “Has it been attracting bees to your flat?” he asked. 

 

Alec frowned. “No, not at all. It is just beautiful and calming to look at, that is all.” 

 

Lukas, as he was putting down the tray on his kitchen counter smirked. “See, I told you, Dan! Everyone but you is fascinated by it.”

 

Daniel fondly looked annoyed at his husband. “Whatever, geez!” 

 

Alec chuckled. “Thank you, I don’t deserve this hospitality, honestly. I didn’t even bother saying hi when I shifted, so,” he shrugged helplessly. 

 

“Shush, Alec. Shifting from another country to a quaint town in the middle of nowhere isn’t anything but unnerving,” Lukas smiled genuinely, his husband reciprocating the smile. 

 

“Wait, how do you know my name and well, that?” Alec asked, his eyes widening a little. He wouldn’t be surprised if this day got worse. 

 

Thankfully, he was wrong. 

 

“Give him the keys, you spork!” Daniel laughed, as Lukas facepalmed, taking out Alec’s bike keys from his pocket and handing it to him.

 

“The delivery man gave us this because you weren’t home. I think the person sending you this was notified about it. And, your accent kinda gave it away,” Lukas smiled, as Alec felt the familiar jingle in his hands. A wave of nostalgia washed over him, and he remembered the long, mind-numbing road trips he took back in Brooklyn, far, far away, yet not far enough. 

 

This time he truly was away. Away from the place he had called his home. 

 

His expression must’ve suddenly grown solemn, his eyes stern as he heard the Daniel say, “It was nice meeting you, Alec. Do let us know if we can help you with something.” They were standing by his door, expecting Alec to say something. 

 

He looked up to meet their gazes, the voice of his former therapist again coming to him.  _ If you ever find yourself alone and someone offering to help you, even in the semblance of keeping silent company, take it. You can’t fall into the hole again.  _

 

“We can have dinner together if it isn’t too intrusive,” Alec said, his voice, with years of practice, masking the nervousness he felt. 

 

Lukas beamed as if expecting this, looking at his husband with a glint before saying, “Of course! We would love it. You can come downstairs if you like!” 

 

***

 

Halfway through wine and lasagna, Alec had told them how he was going to teach Magnus Bane’s son archery. 

 

The couple’s eyes widened comically as if years of staying in each other’s presence had somehow synchronized their reactions. 

 

“Hold up, Magnus Bane’s?” Daniel, who Alec had inferred was not as expressive as Lukas exclaimed. 

 

Alec’s eyebrows furrowed. “Is he like a big deal or something?” 

 

“The biggest,” Lukas squealed, his eyes covered with a teensy bit of affection. Daniel was quick to notice, rolling his eyes as if he was used to Magnus eliciting this reaction from his husband. 

 

“He is like the Oprah of Idris, always helping, smiling, and has kinda a celebrity status because of everything he does for this town,” Daniel explained.

 

“Yeah, and he adopted the cutest kid last month. I am surprised he is trusting you with him for an hour. He is very protective of his child,” Lukas said, humming thoughtfully as he sipped his wine. 

 

“Must be because he wants Max to feel like home, right?” Alec asked rhetorically, not expecting an answer. 

 

The husbands exchanged glances. 

 

“Actually,” Daniel began, his voice soft, “Max had turned up in Idris, all battered and blue because of his mother, Magnus’ ex, who used to physically abuse him. She was arrested, and Magnus was quick to open his home for his son even though he had no prior information about having a child.” 

 

Alec’s eyes widened, his lips parting a little. Oh.  _ Oh.  _ His heart hurt a little more than it did all day. 

 

The topic had gradually (and thankfully) shifted to something else, and this thought didn’t strike him until he was back in his cold bed, his wind chime, softly chiming, filling up the silence, as if it was somehow feeling it, with his curtains fluttering against his window.

 

With his sleep no longer holding him down, and he shifted, face-to-face with his bedroom window merely two feet away. The stars were hardly unconcealed, the moon radiating most of its light, illuminating the night sky. If only today sucked a little less, a mundane thought entered his mind. If only.  _ If only.  _ **_If only._ ** If only, he thought alas, he did not fall into a humane habit of counterfactual thinking. His eyes finally gave up on him, as he surrendered to a dreamless, restless sleep. 

 

***

 

When Magnus first saw Alec, his eyes reflecting the early morning sea, he thought, ‘Holy shit, I want to know  _ everything  _ about you. I want to see your eyes when you’re overcome with so much happiness that you lose touch with reality for a second, I want to see your how you react when the world is burning, I want to know how your mind works, I want to know  _ everything.’  _ And then, Alec had smiled at him, and all hopes of him keeping his sanity in check had been crushed underneath Alec’s boots. 

 

When Magnus shook his hand, he could’ve sworn he saw actual, flickers of sparks fly between them. 

 

It was strange, feeling all this for someone who had only just smiled at him but not quite, as Magnus was known for aggrandizing snippets of conversations he had with people, and he knew his friend, Catarina (ever the realist), would crush his exaggerated, hopelessly optimistic dreams. 

 

Magnus knew that whatever it was that he was feeling wasn’t at all like his previous infatuations. He knew it, yet he also knew how he always said that to Catarina without meaning it before, for she realised it was all a ruse. (So, he spent most of his time at work dodging suspicious glances thrown his way and keeping his morning encounter under the sheets because, this time, he had an overwhelming urge of not sharing how hypnotized he had felt as something exclusive to him, and only him.)

 

And when he had bid farewell to Alec that rosy evening, he had done the most un-Magnus thing ever, and had turned to Clary and asked for his number, who did the most Clary thing ever, preventing him from even fabricating an ill-formed excuse. 

 

The text he had drafted was simple, ‘ _ Hey, Alec, Magnus here,’  _ yet his finger hovered over the send button multiple times, wondering if it was too forward, or too stalker-ish, or something among the multiple senseless reasons his brain conjured, when he finally deciding against sending a message at all, and falling to sleep. He is going to be meeting him tomorrow, after all. Tomorrow, he would ask for his number for sure, pretending he didn’t have it and then maybe, just maybe texting him would be a little less hard. 


	4. 4: Can you dream at all?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that the titles in no way relate to the chapter but are rather inspired by a dream pop song I'm obsessed with

When Alec was nineteen, he hardly had any time for himself. Between getting a literature degree in college (he loved books), a job at Target (for a reason Alec couldn’t even fathom now), and managing a very locally affluent band (“Hunting Shadows?” Alec had asked, eyebrows raised, to which Simon had answered, his eyes wide and happy and delighted, “Yes! Our fans could be called Shadowhunters then!”), he rarely got out.

The only time he had to spare, he spent with the post-emo era looking boy with black eyes that shined like diamonds and skin that looked as if it were made of pure chocolate, all smooth and hot and just perfect under his fingers.

So when his (kind of) friend Simon caught him making out with his band’s drummer, Martin behind the walls of the dimly lit pub that smelt more like chips than it did of beer, that played horrendous songs that somehow seemed to only enhance the aesthetically pleasing yet unnerving place, Alec pleaded and begged and hoped Simon wouldn’t tell anyone yet.

Alec didn’t know then, but he did know now, that Simon, the most annoying person he had ever met, yet one of the most compassionate people he ever knew, was completely, utterly drunk and all the hugging and crying and kissing on his forehead that he had done after knowing that Alec was gay, was soon forgotten in fumes of smoke and alcohol-induced memories.

So when he saw Simon’s number pop up on his screen, a month and a half after he moved to Idris, he could feel a headache coming.

He was leaning on his motorcycle, a cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth, his overused yet still-managed-to-look-grunge leather jacket hooked on his finger behind his back, he almost threw his phone.

It could very well be Isabelle calling him, he mused, still lightly holding the unlit cigarette in his mouth between his teeth, and it could very well just be Simon. He sighed, which seemed to be his go-to reaction for anything the past few months and proceeded to decline the call. It could wait.

He saw Magnus and Max in a short distance, automatically smiling at them and waving them over.

Alec’s phone again rang in his hands, and seeing Simon’s number flash there, he definitely cut it again.

“I don’t know what is going on, but I am definitely for the look you have going on today,” Magnus said and almost whistled, stopping himself just before he said something he'd regret in front of his son.

Unwillingly, a blush coloured Alec’s neck.

Today might’ve been the first day he took his bike out, and it might’ve been the first day he took his leather jacket out, feeling elements of his indifferent self come back to him. He also might've been excited to see Magnus and put in a little extra effort. 

“Thanks, Magnus,” he murmured, holding the unlit cigarette between his fingers an ruffling Max’s hair with the same hand, slowly retreating it as he saw Max flinch a little. Magnus’ hold tightened on his son’s hand reassuringly, as if to say, _‘I am here, kid. You are safe.’_

“This is like a punk Augustus Waters look you are going for, with the unlit cigarette and leather jacket,” Magnus said, his voice teasing, eyes twinkling.

Under the light, Magnus looked ethereal. It hurt to even look at him.

So Alec did whatever he was doing for the past half month, he averted his eyes, his smile faltering, his throat suddenly tight.

His phone rang again, and Alec cut it, again.

Magnus, however, did the same thing he did every day for the past fifteen days. He slowly came closer (but not close enough), until he was a little in Alec’s personal space (which Alec didn’t seem to mind).

His finger touched Alec’s neck, his tip sending shivers down Alec’s spine, as Alec’s breath stuttered, his thoughts floundered and his neck unconsciously leaned into Magnus’ touch.

“You’d look sinful with a choker,” Magnus said, and suddenly moved out of his way. Alec almost stumbled a bit forward, coughing a little and blushing a little more, as he looked away.

Warily, he smiled down at Max, who had busied himself with drawing patterns out of his shoe on the wet road, and said, “You ready for your next session, kiddo?”

***

“So, what is the deal with you and Mr. Bane?” Maia asked, slightly chewing a pencil.

Alec managed to not notice the way his heart beat a little too fast in his chest.

“What do you mean?” Alec asked, registering his daily entry into the teacher’s register.

“I mean,” Maia said, taking the register away from Alec with a knowing glint in her eyes, “He is always with you when you are teaching Max. Max is enrolled in three other activity classes and yet he never seems to find time to sit in other classes, but he sits back for you,” she concluded. “So, what is your deal with him?”

“Maybe he trusts the other teachers more than he trusts me. Maybe he only has time then. You can’t attribute his behavior to only one thing, Maia,” he playfully chastised and moved away before she had a chance to comment more.

***

It was a few days later and Alec’s phone had still not stopped ringing.

He lit his cigarette and picked up the call.

“What!?” he almost growled, a low lying annoyance bubbling up in his chest.

“Aha! You finally picked up. I knew you couldn't resist picking it up!” Simon’s familiar voice rang out on the other side.

“You can’t seem to catch a clue, can you?” Alec muttered.

“Oh, I am very well aware you hate me right now, but I had to know if my favorite manager is okay. You could’ve told me where you were, at least,” Simon accused,

“As if you wouldn’t have told Isabelle,” Alec stated the obvious.

Simon remained silent on the other end, only affirming his statement.

Alec rolled his eyes. “Look, I have t-”

“She didn’t mean it, you know? I know she didn't mean it. She couldn’t have,” Simon spoke, and Alec crunched the half-lit cigarette under his boots.

“Don’t you always get tired of defending her? Always picking up after her messes?” Alec asked, pinching his nose.

“If it is anyone picking up after anyone’s messes, it is her always doing that with hers. She is trying to apologize and she knows you need time,” Simon said, matter-of-factly.

“No, Simon,” Alec said, his voice eerily calm. “Stop defending her. Stop making this conversation about her. Returning my bike is not apologizing. It is a final fuck you to my face, a final goodbye. And apologizing is not going to make what she did go away.”

Simon’s voice softened. “I am sorry, Alec. I am. Not only because of her, but because of everything that happened if I hadn’t opened my-”

“Whatever, Simon. Don’t call me again unless someone is dying or already dead,” Alec said, cutting off the phone, not before hearing a faint _Take Care_.

“Are you alright, Alexander? That seemed a bit intense,” Magnus’ voice came up from behind him and he jumped a little. (His heart was beating fast, maybe from the scare. Most definitely _only_ from the scare.)

“Huh?” Yeah” he said, his voice a little high pitched. “Yeah, most definitely fine,” he repeated again, his voice returning to his normal pitch.

Magnus cracked a smile. “If you say so, Alexander. If you say so.”

“Where is Max?” Alec questioned.

“He has a sleepover tonight, so I thought I’d come and tell you that he wouldn’t be able to make it for archery,” Magnus said, his golden eyes gleaming, like celestial objects, too beautiful to look away, yet definitely harmful to not look away.

Alec furrowed his eyebrows. “You do realize you could’ve called the academy, right? They would’ve definitely informed me.”

“Are you saying you didn’t want to see my face, Alexander?” Magnus teased, his face lighting up.

“Trust me, out of all the things I have said or will say, those would never even cross my mind,” Alexander easily said, words tumbling out of his mouth.

His face felt hot and he felt the blush flooding his cheeks. “Uh-,” he began reforming the statement. “Uh- I mean you have a very symmetrical face with like,” he said, fanning his fingers out, his eyes wide and heart steadily climbing out of his rib cage “beautiful eyes and all, with like, nice, um- features and- shit.”

Magnus grinned widely, “Out of all the times I have seen you, Alexander, that was the most non-articulate and adorable I have seen you. Besides, if I would’ve called, I wouldn’t have been able to see your face as well, which is one of the highlights of my day, so that makes us even.”

Alec’s blushed deepened.

“Let’s go get some boba tea now, I am craving it,” Magnus said, climbing onto the back of Alec’s bike and patting the seat in front of him. “Take me, biker boy.”

***

  
The ride to the bubble tea place was short, with Magnus placing a gentle yet a firm hold on Alec’s shoulders, and Alec trying not to shiver, despite it being moderately warm.

An hour away from sunset, the sun was designing myriads of orange, red, and yellow hues in the sky, softly glowing on the whole of Idris.

After ordering both their teas, a Honeydew for Magnus, (“It is a classic, Alexander,” he had said, “Who exactly are you to raise your eyebrows at me when you’re ordering a plum boba tea?” Alec had merely shrugged his shoulders, his gaze flickering from Magnus’ intense ones and the menu in front of him, “It sounds good, Magnus.”) and a Plum for Alec, they sat on one of the mint benches on the outside of the shop.

“Why’d you ask me for bubble tea?” Alec asked, his mouth full of tapioca pearls.

“Because, you are fairly new here and I wanted to show you one of the best things about living here,” Magnus said, somehow managing to make sipping bubble tea unreservedly graceful and alluring.

“Fair point,” Alec said and they continued drinking the tea in silence.

Alec waited for this encounter to become awkward, as almost all encounters he’d had, resulted in the other person scurrying away because somehow, Alec managed to transfer his awkwardness to them (except for maybe Lukas and Daniel who managed to embrace how awkward he was feeling because they were awkward people themselves).

“So what were you running from, Alexander?” Magnus asked, turning his entire body towards Alec. Alec almost leaned back. Almost.

“What do you mean?” Alec said, mirroring Magnus’ body movement.

“Everyone who's come to Idris has run away from something. What is your reason?” Magnus asked again, carefully, gauging Alec’s reactions.

Alec almost felt under gentle scrutiny with the way Magnus’ eyes were observing every single one of Alec’s movements, but he didn’t seem to mind. Somehow, with Magnus, he never seems to mind anything.

His fingers traced the condensation, his heart picked up a little speed.

“I wasn’t running from anything, Magnus,” Alec said, choosing his words and actions correctly, not wanting to give anything away to Magnus. Not yet. 

He found himself willing to tell everything to Magnus, but he wasn't that willing to relive it.

Magnus nodded, not entirely believing or accepting that answer and said, “It is alright if you don’t want to tell me, darling. I understand.”

Alec hummed, sipping on the remnants of the tea.

He looked up and asked Magnus the same question.

“I traveled the whole world, saw many places, looked almost everywhere and none of those feelings ever felt like coming here. This felt like home as if it just appeared when I wanted to go home but I never knew what home was like and when I came here,” Magnus said, snapping his fingers, “it was a chance encounter when I was traveling to Germany and my car broke and it just clicked. I ran away from places to look for a home and I finally found three quarters it.”

Magnus’ eyes were sparkling. Alec looked away, again.

Sometimes, he wished he could hold more eyes contact, just to see how looking into Magnus’ eyes felt like, if it felt like he was trapped in an entirely different universe filled with only golden and greens, or if it felt like something entirely miraculous, magical, that made the mundane world fade away.

Alec’s breath quickened, and he looked back up to see Magnus’ teasing face.

“You know, Alexander,” Magnus said after a few moments of silence. “It is said that Idris appears to people who have run away, out of nowhere, just how there’s a common folklore here that Idris was made after an angel appeared from the lake, created Idris away from common man’s eyes, for a common man right when they needed it the most.”

Alec smiled, rattling the ice cubes in his cup. “That sounds like a great story.”

“That might just be real, Alexander, you weren’t there when the angel saved all those people,” Magnus teased, finishing his bubble tea too.

Alec cocked his eyebrows. “And you were?”

“Oh yes, Alexander, I am actually immortal in disguise. Didn’t you know?” Magnus joked.

***

An hour and a half later, when the sun had peacefully set and the sky glittered with stars that were probably dead, Alec and Magnus were walking around Idris, with Magnus’ arm hooked into Alec’s. They had driven the bike to Alec’s apartment, so that no-one would steal it, and walked to a part of the town that Alec didn’t know existed.

Alec was laughing as Magnus told him yet another ridiculous thing he had done in an adventure in Greece.

The street was cobbled, empty, and dark, aside from one ominous streetlight at the corner of the street.

“This would be a perfect place to kill me, Magnus,” Alec said.

“And deprive the world of a perfect thing? The gods would send me to hell for sure,” Magnus said, tightening his hold on Alec.

Alec took a deep breath, his eyes looking everywhere but Magnus and said nothing.

Magnus stopped walking, pulling Alec to do the same, and Alec’s eyebrows rose in question.

“Every year, on December 1, there is this Idris fest that happens,” Magnus began, “It is an old tradition, where these angels, or so they say, killed this monster terrorizing this place. And to celebrate the defeat of the monster, people in Idris have this long elaborate fest on 1st December.”

Alec nodded his head. He had heard Lukas and Daniel gush about it in long detail and how Alec had to come or he will miss the best thing that could ever happen to him.

“I am mildly aware,” Alec said.

A trained eye would see Magnus losing his calm, collected, and confident composure for a bit. A trained eye would see him subtly take a deep breath, a tiny gulp that Magnus took. But Alec didn’t see any of that. Instead, he saw Magnus in his usual half smile-half smirk.

“I was wondering if you’d perhaps want to go with me, to the fest,” Magnus said, a breath he was holding was breathed out and he closed his eyes, momentarily, and looked back up at Alec with fabricated confidence.

Alec’s eyes widened. “As in like a-”

“Like a plus one. I always have a plus one and it’d be a shame if I didn’t even try asking a man as delightful as you to be mine,” Magnus said, a smile stuck on his face. “Besides,” Magnus continued, “It is Max’s first Idris fest and he is incredibly excited for it. And he adores you too, so it’s a win-win for all of us if it’s a win-win for you.”

Alec’s smile widened. “Sure, um-yeah, what’s the harm, you know? Yeah, I’d- um- love that, actually,” Alec robotically responded, a blush that wasn’t so apparent on his cheeks because of the dim light burning his cheeks.

“I promise to not get you killed by the end of the fest,” Magnus joked. 

They even finally exchanged numbers, and tomorrow, Alec thought, tomorrow would be the day Alec would for sure call Magnus up and ask him for a date like any normal human interested in another person. _Tomorrow_. Tomorrow for sure.


	5. 5. Run for your life with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> I am so so so sorry for the delay! My mental health has been crazy all month lol (: love it when that happens, amiright?  
> Wanted to upload it in time for Magnus' birthday but as you can tell, I'm a few days too late. Hope this is worth your time xx

Alec, when 5, was the first time he thought of running from his home. He had won a handwriting competition in school, with whatever finesse he could’ve written the five sentence paragraph on the chalkboard, and he had actually won something. His eyes were eager, mind hopeful that his parents would hug him because he won a handwriting competition in class and they'd celebrate and their bickering would stop. He somehow always personalized the fights, he thought they were his fault (but it wasn't, of course). 

 

It was pathetic, now when he thought about it. But to a five-year-old Alec, it was a huge deal, getting a hug from his parents. When he had come home with an upbeat skip in his step, and told his parents about how he  _ won  _ something, he definitely was expecting a warm hug, his mom and dad cooking him his favorite spaghetti, and getting ice-cream after dinner with his whole family. He, however definitely wasn’t expecting his parents barely raising their eyebrows in acknowledgment and him suddenly losing the appetite he had been building.  

 

When he was 17, he tried running away from home. He had written a note, left his favorite Oscar Wilde book, The Picture of Dorian Gray with Isabelle and had  _ almost  _ left. But when he saw his parents fighting for the umpteenth time and saw how distraught Isabelle looked at the flying cutlery in their house, he left his bags by his bedroom door and ran to hug her because he had somehow thought as long as he was with her, he would always be home. 

 

But that year changed Isabelle drastically and somehow, he did not know who his own sister was and home seemed like a far, distant concept only accessible to the fortunate. 

 

So, Alec supposed, running away from Brooklyn had always somehow been on his mind, a scratch on the surface that was Alexander Lightwood and they could have seen all the things he was that he couldn’t show them. 

 

As miserable as Alec felt on most days, he did not regret this decision. No matter how bland Idris felt sometimes, or how bland he felt all the time, he could never dream of regretting this decision. 

 

November for Alec ended in rush, with Magnus dragging him everywhere with him to look for the perfect outfits, him spending time with Lukas and Daniel whose secretive glances every time Alec mentioned Magnus weren’t so secretive at all, him having ice cream _(_ _ dates _ _)_ with Magnus and Max almost every evening, and dodging calls from Jace. 

 

As explained by Magnus, the fest had two main events, a fair in the morning, and the ball at the end of the event. (“A ball? That was very much unexpected,” Alec had said, amused. It wasn't unexpected though, Alec always thought Magnus was a bit more refined than anyone he'd ever met, like he was born centuries ago, and placed in the wrong timeline by accident. He learned how much Magnus seemed to love things of the previous era, but, Alec recalled, Magnus would never dream of living there with the more blatant bigotry. “I need a date for that event for that precise reason,” Magnus had grinned toothily, looking at Alec with a glint of  _ something  _ in his eyes. “I genuinely hope you don’t expect me to dance flawlessly, I am a clumsy person, Magnus,” Alec had said, and Magnus had stepped towards him and had murmured,”Well, I’ll be there to catch you, no matter how many times you fall.” Alec had blushed profusely, and had looked everywhere else but Magnus, and could still feel his eyes on him.”)

 

Alec shook his head, forcing himself to snap out of that memory, that feeling, that everything, but when he looked at his face in the mirror, it was the same color that he assumed it would’ve been that day. 

 

Today, despite it being the fest, was one of the days where everything seemed to fade into a void of nothing and all he would absolutely love to do would be to get into the covers and sleep for the rest of eternity because the sofa he had fallen asleep on the night before seemed extremely cozy for some reason and there was no way he could afford bringing everyone down with him. 

 

He asked that feeling to fuck off for a while, and laid his clothes out for the fair, opting for a white linen shirt and a leather biker jacket that he had purchased a week before with Magnus, of course, because he thought it would be a perfect combination and definitely not because Magnus had whispered the word  _ ‘sinful’  _ in his ear that had haunted him every night after that. 

 

He dressed up, and his doorbell rang, only to reveal Lukas and Daniel. 

 

“Are you wearing that jacket because Magnus called you sinful?” Daniel asked, raising his eyebrows a little, a knowing smirk on his face, with Lukas laughing a little behind him. 

 

“Good morning to you too, Daniel, I see you haven’t given up on your suit and tie even during an informal event,” Alec said sarcastically, letting them in, cleaning up his sofa a little to give them space.

 

“Oh hush, Alec, asking him to give up on that would be like asking me to give up on my plants which would be absolutely preposterous, now, wouldn’t it?” Lukas said, teasing his husband, which earned him a playful smack on his arm. 

 

“Not that I don’t want you guys here, but what are you both doing here?” Alec asked. 

 

“We brought a little makeup that we think you should apply,” Lukas said, his eyes widening in excitement as he handed a small bag over to Alec with the makeup items. 

 

Alec’s eyes lingered there, his head replaying the nasty things his college mates had called him when he’d applied lip tint and eyeliner one fine day. He looked at Lukas, with a determined gaze and nodded. 

 

They grabbed him and sat him down, applying mascara, a little eyeliner, and lip tint and when they were done with him, Daniel muttered a small, “Holy shit, when Magnus sees you, he will die a little.”

 

When Magnus rang Alec’s doorbell twenty minutes later, wearing a red linen shirt, and looking extraordinarily magnificent, Alec swore he heard his insides melt a  _ lot.  _ He could feel his breath quicken and he did not think there was any way he could spend an entire day with a man as elegant as Magnus without giving into the part of his mind he had yet to be acquainted with. 

 

It did not help that Magnus’ eyes were wide, his mouth a little open. He looked at Alec the way he always seemed to look at him, like he had seen something ethereal, with a hint of sultry, something that mad Alec’s inside churn (in a good way) and his mind falter (in the best way).

 

Magnus stage-whispered, “Alexander, I just died a little,” and Alec, sweet, dear Alec, not knowing how to respond just awkwardly laughed and finger gunned. 

 

Magnus’ eyes twinkled in mirth and he linked his arm with Alec’s and led him down the stairs, to his car where Max was, leaning against the door. 

 

“Child,” Magnus said, smiling fondly at his son, “I asked you to sit inside because despite it being cold, the sun is glaring down at us.” 

 

“Father,” Max said, grinning at his dad, his tongue poking out of his missing front teeth, “I didn’t because I am so excited!” 

 

He ran from where he stood and Magnus opened his arms, only to have him run straight to Alec, who welcomed his hug with open arms. Magnus pouted, and Max poked his tongue at his dad. 

 

On their way to the Brocelind Plains, where the fest was held, the car was thrumming with excitement. Max was full of happy nerves, pointing and squealing at everything he found remotely interesting or beautiful. He was shaking in his seat, Magnus laughing with him, the way he rarely seemed to laugh at anyone. The sight, unclad of something impure, raw in emotions and bare, tugged something deep inside Alec’s heart, which he did not want to acknowledge anytime soon. It was future Alec’s problem, he decided. 

 

The streets were decorated in shades of pastels and gothic designs. Alec thought it would be impossible for Idris to look something other than his first impression of the place- dull. He was overwhelmed in the best way he could’ve been, the colors seeping into his bones and shifting Alec’s mood ever so slightly. 

 

“What are you thinking about, Alexander?” Magnus asked, his voice a little concerned. 

 

“This place looks different, good different, that is. It’s like a parallel dimension that I was put into,” Alec said, looking out of the window at the chalk drawings all over the city. 

 

“Well, I’d hope so. I do try my best to outdo myself every year, and this year I had to impress a new resident of the town,” Magnus winked. 

 

Alec whipped his head towards Magnus. “Wait, you’ve organized this whole fest?”  he asked, his voice rising in decibels with every word. 

 

Magnus looked at him quizzically, “Well, of course, I have, Alexander, why do you think I’ve been busy all these days?” 

 

Alec blushed, “I just figured, you know, work and all of that.”

 

Magnus laughed, somehow making an action as simple as that sound dignified. “Darling, this is my work.”

 

Alec blushed a little more, and he knew without a doubt that his face was completely similar to the color of Magnus’ shirt. “That makes perfect sense.” 

 

Magnus laughed once again, the same kind of laughter that he shared with Max, and something deep tugged inside Alec’s heart once again.  _ Future Alec’s problem,  _ he thought. 

 

The plains were purring with exhilaration, an aura of acceptance and amiability pulling everyone in plain sight over to the fest. There was fair, full of casually, colorfully dressed people and Alec met Magnus’ eyes who were glinting under the soft sun. 

 

There was soft rock music playing in the background, and Max, who held both Magnus and Alec’s hand tugged them towards the cotton candy stall. 

 

Magnus, who was initially a little skeptical about giving his son this amount of sugar before even having lunch, couldn’t resist saying no after Max said please more than once and the smile that Max gave him after he bought him cotton candy was worth everything. 

 

“I hope he doesn’t crash in three hours, we have a long day ahead,” Magnus whispered as Max ran towards his peer group. 

 

“He won’t if you keep feeding him sugar,” Alec (tried to) wink. 

 

Magnus (trying not to laugh), laughed. “I have learned that that is a very bad idea the hard way.”

 

“I’m all ears.” 

 

Just as Alec said that his phone started ringing. Without even seeing who it was, he declined the call. He knew who it was. 

 

Magnus’ eyebrows were furrowed, and Alec almost reached out to smoothen the crease but stopped himself. 

 

His phone rang again, and Alec rolled his eyes, declining the call, again. 

 

“An ex-lover calling you?” Magnus asked, his stance somehow tensed. Alec’s eyes widened and he laughed loudly at that.

 

“Ex-lover? That’s ridiculous,” Alec chuckled. 

 

“Is he why you ran away from home, Alexander?” Magnus asked as Alec’s phone rang again. 

 

That was strange, Alec thought. Jace  _ never  _ called more than twice, not even on his good day. That voice in his head who Alec had come to despise asked him to accept the phone. But he wouldn’t.

 

Today is supposed to be a  **_good_ ** day and no one, absolutely  **_no one_ ** will take that from him.

 

“He wishes,” Alec replied half-heartedly as he switched his phone off and slid it in his pockets. 

 

“Are you alright, darling?” Magnus asked, now a bit concerned, moving into Alec’s personal bubble. For some reason unknown to the entirety of the universe, Alec didn’t seem to mind at all and his stomach did a little flip.

 

He found himself smiling, as it soon spread to his entire face, and looked at Magnus again. “Never been better,” he said, sincerely. 

 

For some reason unfathomable to dense Alec, Magnus’ face lit up, and he smiled (and Alec had to stand his ground for a second there because  _ holy shit Magnus was beautiful and the shirt really, really fit him in all the perfect places and that sight alone was somehow constricting all the air supposed to be going to his lungs and holy fuck how is one man so perfect).  _

 

“Good! Let me show you around,” Magnus said, linking his arm into Alec’s, calling Max with him and leading him to all the stalls there. 

 

Two hours flew by, and Alec couldn’t remember the last time he had so much fun and laughed so much his cheeks hurt and smiled so much his lungs felt full.

 

They went on a Ferris wheel (Alec and Max laughing at how green Magnus looked when they were on the top and how beautiful Magnus looked with the sun's rays hitting his face directly). 

 

There was a photobooth there, where all three of them clicked pictures with ridiculous gestures and poses, that they laughed heartily at. Max had run away then, and they were at in the photo booth all by themselves and they clicked pictures, snippets of these memories onto a piece of paper. They took out two copies, and Magnus handed Alec his copy and their hands brushed a little and Alec felt like he was in 4th grade again, when the most handsome boy in his grade had touched his shoulders and he had felt giddy for the whole week. 

 

This giddiness, he assured, would last him a whole lifetime. 

 

It felt like finding a missing piece to a puzzle he had since childhood, completed and ready to be framed that couldn’t be framed because of that one piece in the puzzle, right in the middle had been lost and now it feels like step by step, that puzzle no longer has a missing piece and Alec doesn’t at all know what to do with that revelation. So, like all other revelations he’s had previously, he pushes it at the back of his mind, into an old dusty box, and doesn’t think about it more than he has to. 

 

One more thing Alec had not realized before today was just how popular Magnus was and just how flawless Magnus was with handling fame. People flocked to him, maybe he just had an aura that screamed  _ COME, TALK TO ME, I DON’T BITE, I AM THE BEST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY  _ or maybe it was his coy smile and devilishly handsome looks and how utterly interested he seemed in everyone’s conversation. 

 

Once Alec had realized that he knew what would happen next. He was all too familiar with social gatherings, especially the ones where he was with the host. 

 

His mind replayed all the times his parents engaged in conversations with other people, of how he was  _ always  _ left behind, in the swarm of people, known and unknown. Having anxiety didn’t make it any better, and he soon learned what it is to fake a smile and find a dark corner of the hall. Suddenly, Alec couldn’t wait to go home, and he felt suffocated in an open space. 

 

He must’ve looked like he was thinking about the mysteries of the universe because Magnus bumped his shoulder into Alec, and asked, “What are you thinking about, Alexander?” 

 

Alec snapped out of the reverie and offered Magnus a small smile. “Nothing much, you know how I get lost in the head sometimes.”

 

Magnus smiled a little and looked at him as if it was them against everyone here. Them against the world, in a soft, pastel universe. “Sometimes I wish I could be there with you, darling. Something about you makes me want to know everything about you and I can’t comprehend why.” 

 

“Let’s go, Alexander,” Magnus said, linking their arms together. “Can’t have you going off somewhere else unless you really want to.” 

 

“I don’t,” Alec said, softly, gently, like a whisper lost in the middle of a night and they peered through the crowd. 


	6. 6. Swayin' away with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentine's Day, loveys xx
> 
> Hope y'all are having a wonderful day or at least found a good band/show today to binge on (I know I did).  
> The title of the chapter is from a song called 'Dancing' by 'Mellow Fellow'. (Highly recommend listening to it, it's a fuckin bop).
> 
> Again, I am sorry for this late update. Haven't particularly been feeling that well :]
> 
> Hope y'all have a good day/night :))

When Alec was eighteen, he did something he didn’t think he ever would- he went to prom. He didn’t have a date, far from it (he was hopelessly pining after a dark-haired boy then). He wasn’t planning on going at all, but then his gut whispered. ‘ _ You’re gonna regret if you don’t go’ _ . 

 

He had promised himself that evening that next time, he was never, ever listening to his gut, ever again. Suffice to say, Alec knew he would be happier if he hadn’t gone. The gym was swarmed with heterosexual couples, (he wouldn’t have expected anything else from his bigoted school),  but what really gut him was his (kinda) crush Martin dancing with a girl.

 

He knew that in no way would something have happened between them, but wishful thinking ruined reality, all the time, always. 

 

Alec had never felt more like a black sheep than before, so he did what he always did best, sat in the corner, away from people, and the people did what they always did best, didn’t even notice him.  

 

It was when Alec was ready to leave that a hand stopped him. The lights had changed, flashing pinks and blues and greens had turned into a somber blue, almost making the gym look like a fairyland and the music,  _ oh the music _ , was sweet and soft and beautiful. 

 

He remembered looking at the person who stopped him, Martin, in his glory and beauty who looked at Alec with the kind of gentleness and tenderness that he had never been looked at (until now). 

 

Looking around, he saw all the couples swaying along the song, and he gazed down at Martin’s extended hand. His heart thudded in his chest, and suddenly the people around him became overbearing, loud, overwhelming and the music was suddenly too loud for him. His gut had whispered, ‘ _ You’re gonna regret it if you don’t take his hand’ _ . He had taken a staggering breath, shook his head and ran out of the gym. 

 

It was one of the moments he didn’t regret until he did, but then it was too late. He promised himself that night when he was still shaking a little under his blankets, that next time a pretty boy asks him to dance, he’s never saying no, ever again. Even if it meant getting disowned by his dear parents. That night, Alec slept with angry tears and a prayer for a chance to redeem himself. 

 

This might’ve have been (it definitely was) the reason he said yes when Magnus had asked him to be his date for the fest, and boy did he not regret it. He had laughed more than he collectively had for the entire year, and then when they finished lunch, he felt like he had eaten more than he had all year too. 

 

They headed home to change, and right when they were outside Alec’s apartment, Magnus leaned in a little and Alec felt as if he was frozen on spot, his eyes widening a little (he knew he wasn’t close enough, but he wanted him to be, oh how he wanted him to be). 

 

“You could’ve come over at my place, Alexander. You know I don’t bite,” he whispered, his tone deep, doing funny things to Alec, and then winked, for added emphasis.

 

“Dad, you’re being weird again,” Max said and wrinkled his nose, which led Alec in blushing and taking a step back, crashing into the wall behind him and Magnus chuckled, holding Max’s hand. 

 

“See you in another 3 hours, Alexander,” Magnus said, with a glint in his eyes and disappeared down the halls. 

 

Alec was freaking out- something he hadn’t experienced in this magnitude before. Usually, he would opt for a packet of cigarettes but he was on the route of self- improvement, and so he decided to text the only two people he knew, whilst ignoring the 30 messages that Jace had sent him and have only three shots of whiskey he had been saving. 

 

To Lukas:  _ i know you guys are tired from the festivities that occurred only an hour back, but i  am freaking out and really need help, please come up when u can, thanks _

 

From Lukas:  _ OMG, Y’ALL KISSED DIDN’T U? COMING UP RN _

 

The bell rang as soon as Lukas sent that message. 

 

“We didn’t kiss, Lukas,” Alec calmly said as soon as he opened the door. “He just got really close and he started saying things in that stupidly hot voice and now I feel the need to dress up really well,” Better than all the dates he had had before, he wanted to say. 

 

“He has this effect on me,” he continued after Daniel and Lukas had started raiding his wardrobe, “It makes me weak like I feel like I would’ve fallen if he hadn’t been there. He just needs to fucking smile for that. A smile can ruin me. I need to show him that I can also have that effect on him.”

 

Daniel looked at him with raised eyebrows. “The Alec I know from a month ago would never take a step forward. I am proud of you.”

 

“The Alec you knew from a month ago did not have three shots of whiskey in the system.” 

Lukas and Daniel’s eyes dawned with realization and they continued searching through his closet. 

 

Alec, with the help of Lukas and Daniel, tried dressing up what deemed appropriate for the event. They moved around in circles, looking flawless as always, dressed in navy blue and black, scouring through Alec’s small closet for better clothes.

 

Suddenly, Daniel had an  _ ‘EUREKA’  _ moment and claimed that he had the perfect bowtie to match Alec’s blazer and rushed to his apartment. 

 

Lukas stood over Alec, setting his hair in order to prevent it from sticking everywhere. 

 

“So, umm,” Alec began, clearing his throat in between, “I-uh, I just wanted to ask,” 

 

Lukas stopped what he was doing, looking at Alec expectedly, patiently waiting for him to find his words. “Yeah?” he asked in a soft voice as if he somehow knew what Alec was going to ask him. 

 

Alec pressed his eyes shut and asked in a tight voice, “How were Magnus’ previous dates? I know this sounds very...stalkerish, and completely stupid because I shouldn’t be caring at all about this,” he air quoted this, “and I just kinda wanted to live up to his, um, expectations.”

 

He let out a defeated sigh and gazed back at Lukas, a frown on his face only to see him looking at Alec with an amused grin on his face. 

 

“Magnus’ previous dates?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Oh, Alec.  You beautiful, naïve, sophisticated newborn baby-”

 

“Did you just quote Parks and Recreation?” 

 

At this, Lukas’ eyes grew, “YES! It is so good, we will have a detailed discussion about Adam Scott later, but my point is, what Magnus’ previous dates? Is this your way of asking me if he has had dates to this before?” 

 

Alec frowned, “What? No, he himself told me that he has a date every year for this which is why he wanted me.” 

 

“You’re telling me, that Magnus Bane, the man who has never had a date to one of these balls before told you that he has a date every year? He always comes alone, dances with some people throughout the whole event and is the last to leave. Always. Well, except for the first year when he was in a relationship with Camille but that’s because they were together then.” Lukas said, to a now bewildered Alec. 

 

“He’s NEVER had a date to this thing before?” Why did tell me that he always has one?” Alec said, now running his hands through his newly made hair. 

 

Lukas’ eyes grew soft, and his smile grew wider. “Maybe, Alec, he is as scared as you are.” 

 

****

 

With the new revelation, Alec didn’t know how to act in front of Magnus anymore. Magnus did notice this, but not the reason why Alec was suddenly tensed around him. “Relax, Alec. You’ll be great!” Magnus whispered and held Alec by his waist, his fingers softly digging into his waist. A simple touch like this shouldn’t be affecting a grown man like him, but it did. How it did. 

 

He relaxed against Magnus’ hold. “Thanks, Magnus.” 

 

Magnus beamed at him and his attention went back to the excited Max chattering about the beautiful decorations and silver balloons. Max looked adorable in his tuxedo, chattering excitedly with Alec and Magnus. His excitement was usually contagious, but today, Alec was more nervous than before. 

 

Alec was certain he was going to blurt out what was going on in his mind at some point. He took a flute of champagne and gulped the liquid down in a gulp, smiling wearily at the waiter.

 

Magnus stopped and turned to Alec completely. The light from the chandelier in the hall fell perfectly on his face. He looked like a still from a movie with a high production value, that spent a lot of money behind making a person with perfect human features but it was only Magnus. He had put on his nose ring today, glitter sparkling around his eyes, his black tuxedo making him look like he had come out of a romance novel written by a 12-year-old. 

 

“Snap out of it, Alec, are you alright? Do you need to lie down?” Alec heard Magnus say at last.

 

Alec’s gaze snapped back to Magnus’ eyes, looking like the champagne he consumed. He could go swimming in those eyes. 

 

“Right, you were speaking to me. Um, no, I’m just nervous I guess. Have to live up to the local’s expectations of your previous dates,” Alec said cooly, carefully calculating Magnus’ reactions. 

 

Magnus didn’t even bat an eyelid. Instead, he looked at Alec with fond eyes and said, “Alec, hon, you look like an angel who has graced this earth. Like an angel without wings.”

 

“Is that another Parks and Rec reference? For the second time in one day?” 

 

Magnus looked confused, “A what?”

 

Alec furrowed his brows, “Nevermind.” 

 

“Anyway, my point is, you look fabulous and I look fabulous, let’s make the most of this night, shall we?” 

 

Alec smiled and hooked his arms with Magnus’ and the three of them began walking towards where the people stood. 

 

Alec soon spotted Clary, who smiled warmly at them and waved them over.

 

“You boys look handsome!” she exclaimed and went in to embrace Max first. 

 

“Biscuit!” Magnus exclaimed as Clary went in to hug him, “you look exquisite as always.”

 

“Alec, look at you! It’s a wonder how Magnus has been able to not ravish you,” she whispered as she hugged him. 

 

Alec was flustered, suffice to say, and decided to go for the safe answer, “Thank you, Clary, you too look wonderful.” 

 

“I haven’t seen you at the foster after the incident. You should come visit soon, there are three most adorable cats that came in about two weeks ago. You’ll love them!” Clary said, clapping her hands excitedly. 

 

“Oh, so you’re a cat person too?” Magnus questioned holding Alec by his arm.

 

“Yeah, love them. Dogs are great too but their energy is sometimes too much for me to handle.” Alec replied with a half smile. 

 

Magnus’ stupidly gorgeous face etched into a stupidly captivating smile and his stupidly bewitching eyes lit up more than it had today. “Oh, that’s lovely! I knew I chose you for a reason.” 

 

Alec looked down, finding his shoes more interesting by the passing second, in order to hide the blush that was forming again. His cheeks always did that around Magnus and he thought he would’ve gotten used to it by now but he clearly hadn’t. 

 

“You have to come over Alec!” Max screamed in delight. “We have a cat too and she is amazing, Alec!” 

 

“Aw that’s awesome, kiddo. I definitely will come,” Alec said, trying to reply with the same amount of enthusiasm. 

 

“You’ll have to,” he heard Magnus say. “To play with the cat, of course, no other reason.” 

 

Alec looked at him with the similar intensity as Magnus gazed at him. “No other reason,” he echoed. 

 

“If I was a supernatural being,” Clary started, taking Max’s hand, “I’d be able to see actual electricity fly between the both of you. But this is getting a little R- Rated than your usual borderline R- Rated stuff, so I’m gonna take Max away.” Clary didn’t even wait for their response at that and strutted away with Max. 

  
  


Alec sheepishly broke eye contact, only to make eye contact with his neighbors on the other side of the hall. Magnus followed his gaze and smiled politely at Lukas and Daniel. 

 

Alec could see Lukas’ soul leave his body and with an above average speed, he walked over to them, with a slightly frightening smile on his face. 

 

“Hi,” Lukas began as he approached them. “I am sure Alec must’ve not mentioned me, I mean why would he, right? You’re a god and you must be totally talking about all, super great stuff rather than talking about a plant obsessive amateur Netflix binger, that’s me by the way, hi, I am Lukas, Alec you remember me right? I am his neighbor, he lives one floor above me and we meet every day and I-”

 

“Breathe, babe. Breathe,” Daniel said, resting his hand on Lukas’ waist. He gave Magnus his professional smile. “I am Daniel, this idiot’s husband and this idiot’s,” he pointed at Alec, “neighbor. You’re Magnus Bane and my husband has a huge crush on you.”

 

_ ‘He’s not the only one,’   _ Alec wanted to say but resorted to snorting. He expected Magnus to have a perplexed expression, rather his face was set in a genuine smile as he held his hand out to Lukas. 

 

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Lukas. Alec does talk about you both a lot. I look forward to us bonding a lot more than this event. Will you both be free for brunch next Saturday?” Magnus asked, his face composed and calm. 

 

Alec was baffled. “Wait, whoa what? Like you want to have brunch with people you’ve barely met and have heard a lot from a guy you meant a month ago?” 

 

Magnus looked at Alec, a little offended that he’d even refer to him as such. “You’re not merely a guy I met a month ago, Alexander. Is that what you think of me too? A guy you met a month ago?” 

 

“What?” Alec asked, confused, “Of course not, Magnus, I never said that!” 

 

Magnus did not look the way he had a minute ago. His gaze was firm and his mouth was set in a thin line. 

 

“You implied that you are that person for me. If I am not just a guy you met a month ago, then you’re certainly not that for me. Last week, when I said that there is something about you that makes me want to know as much as you’re willing to tell me, I meant that.”

 

Alec looked at Magnus and looked at his firm gaze and his lips in a thin line and his nostrils that were flaring (just a little) and his fists clenched on his sides. He was definitely serious (and definitely hot when he looked at him that day but maybe he’d save that for later). 

 

“I don’t know why,” he said at last, “I’m not a very interesting person.” 

 

Magnus’ gaze softened, he uncurled his fists and placed them on Alec’s forearms. His eyes said a million things that Alec didn’t seem to hear. “Darling, if only you knew.” 

 

Alec’s heart thudded but before he could say anything, Magnus spoke.

 

“Gentlemen, it was lovely to meet you both. Now if you’ll excuse me, I spotted my friends shooting me death glares because I haven’t met them at all today. You coming, Alexander?” 

 

“I’ll be there in a minute.”

 

“And I’ll be waiting.” 

 

“Hey, Magnus?” 

 

“Yes?” 

 

“I don’t know if I’ve told you this but there’s something about you that makes me want to get to know all of you too.” 

 

A smile broke on Magnus’ face as he walked away from them. 

 

“You’re right, Alec,” Daniel said smirking, “there is absolutely nothing going on here and you definitely have to get over him because he can  _ NEVER  _ like you the way you like him. Like it is absolutely impossible.” 

 

Alec rolled his eyes, completely ignoring his neighbor and gently touched Lukas’ face. “Will he be alright?” 

 

Lukas looked at Alec with star-struck eyes. “I am going to name my firstborn after you, Alec.”

 

It was Dan’s turn to roll his eyes. “Jeez, Lukas, you’re literally the most dramatic person I have ever crossed paths with. How did I ever think you were straight when I first met you?” 

 

“Aw,” Lukas pouted. “You love me.” 

 

“Always,” Daniel muttered, “even when you leave me for Magnus Bane.” 

 

“Never,” Lukas said and sloppily kissed Daniel’s cheek. 

 

“Seriously though, Alec, you should try talking to him tonight. Magnus liking you might not be as far-fetched as you thought,” Daniel smiled, and took Lukas by his hand and went away. 

 

Alec’s heart was erratically beating in his chest. He went where Magnus stood where he and two other people were dramatically whispering to each other. 

 

“Magnus,” Alec called. Magnus whipped his head dramatically his eyes a little wide as compared to his usual calm look. 

 

“Alexander!” he (almost) squeaked, “Hello again, darling, these are my friends- Ragnor,” he pointed to the person with short pale white hair and beady black eyes, “and Catarina,” he pointed to the person with long pale hair and staggering dark blue eyes.

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you both,” Alec politely muttered, who was intensely being stared down by both of them. They shook his hands tightly. 

 

“While I do not approve of most of the things Magnus Bane has chosen to do in his life, I approve of his choice to talk to you. You’re polite and devilishly handsome,” Ragnor said in a calm, stoic voice. 

 

Alec’s eyes were widened, his mouth a little parted and tried to smile and softly nod his head. 

 

“Do not scare him, Ragnor,” Magnus chided.

 

“I am not scared, Magnus,” Alec laughed and took two glasses of champagne from the waiter serving it, gulping them down without even taking a breath and tumbling a little. 

 

“Easy there, darling. Would you like to sit for a moment?” Magnus asked, holding Alec by his waist. 

 

“On your face,” he muttered. 

 

“I am sorry what?” Magnus asked.

 

“Yes, I would!” Alec said a little loudly and Magnus lead the way to where the chairs were set.

 

“You’ve been weird this evening, Alexander, is there something you want to talk to me about?” 

 

Alec shook his head, “Crowds and people make me nervous.” 

 

Magnus looked at him wearily. “Hey, I get that.”

 

The lights suddenly changed- the soft yellow turning to soft purple, Magnus’ soft smile from before turning extraordinarily wide and beautiful as he looked at Alec with a sliver of  _ something  _ in his eyes and he put out his hand for Alec to hold as the song changed from an upbeat pop music to a low-fi music. 

 

“Alexander Lightwood, may I have this dance?”

 

Alec giggled, shaking his head but putting his hand in Magnus’. “I had promised myself some time ago that if a pretty boy asks me to dance with him, I am never saying no. I intend to keep that promise.” 

 

Magnus led them to the dance floor. “You think I’m pretty, Alexander?”

 

“I think you are ravishing, Magnus Bane.”

 

Magnus held him by his waist. “I am glad the feeling is mutual then.” 

 

The song and everyone slowly faded into the background. Alec had a hard time maintaining eye contact.  Magnus moved his left foot backward in a smooth motion, sliding across the slick floor. Alec slid his right foot forward, chasing Magnus’ retreating foot with his, like a fox on the hunt. 

 

Dipping forward and looking into his eyes, Magnus’ fingers tightened on his ribs as his left foot came forward again, surprising Alec’s foot and chasing it back. They stopped, toe to toe, and Magnus pulled Alec’s hips in close to his. 

 

Alec had somehow lost the rhythm of the song, or the tune of it (why wouldn’t he, he had Magnus Bane in front of him looking at him like he was a fucking angel how could he not) and suddenly Magnus pulled him close. So close that he could count the individual specks of golden in Magnus’ eyes. So close, that he could smell Magnus’ champagne and strawberry laced breath on his lips. So close, that he forgot to breathe for that period of time. So close that-

 

Suddenly, as though threatening to brush his lips against Alec’s, he looked to the left, and then to the right. Alec mimicked him, turning his head opposite. To the right, then to the left. Magnus pushed him away and pulled him in again, looking at him as if he was drinking him, his smile coy and eyes glinting. 

 

Alec could feel the flashes around him, and he could care less. He felt dizzy, as though he had looked at the sun for too long. 

 

“You know how I’m feeling right now?” Magnus asked, still leading the dance. “I feel like the day I had adopted Max. I was terrified, god was I scared out of my mind but I was so exhilarated and delighted for this. Do you get what I mean?” 

 

Alec looked at him, slightly knowingly, slightly surprised. “I feel like the day I came here. Free.” 

 

Magnus merely smiled. 

 

The lights changed with the song, but Magnus did not let Alec go. 

 

Soon, the dance ended, and everyone scattered and gathered in line for the buffet (everyone really did but somehow Magnus’ hand found Alec’s and both their faces found a smile). 

 

Even when they were sat on their table with Max beside Magnus and Clary beside Alec and Lukas and Daniel and Ragnor and Catarina, Alec’s hand remained enclosed in Magnus’, their thighs touching throughout the meal. 

 

Even when they bid farewell to their friends and Max fell asleep so that Magnus had to carry him, their hands remained clutched. Alec was wildly aware of that, as of the tingles on his hand and those in his heart. 

 

He was a little lightheaded and if he had a little more alcohol in his system than he had, he would’ve screamed. (He felt happy, content,  _ full _ \- something he did not remember feeling.)

 

On their way to Alec’s home, Magnus decided to drop Max home (that is only when their hands left each other and Alec did not want to sound like a cheesy rom-com hero but his hand felt so empty and cold the moment Magnus left it), but Magnus came soon, enclosing it again and that smile crept on his face again. 

 

Out of the window, he saw a shooting star and Alec closed his eyes. 

 

“What did you wish for?” 

 

_ For whoever was up above to freeze time, to freeze these feelings, to have these feelings injected into my veins every day for the rest of my life. For you.  _

 

“I’m not telling you because I want my wish to come true, Magnus.” 

 

“I wished for your wish to come true.” 

 

***

That night, Alec decided to invite Magnus in for coffee.  _ Only coffee,  _ his mind whispered.  _ Only coffee?  _ his heart questioned. 

 

“Only coffee?” Magnus asked. 

 

“Only coffee,” Alec confirmed. 

 

The second time Alec’s hand left Magnus that night was when he was opening the lock to his door. He could very well feel Magnus’ breath on his neck, making his hair stand up. 

 

“So, before we go in, I wanted to ask you something, Alexander,” Magnus said. 

 

“Shoot,” Alec grunted, trying to open the door. 

 

“I-” 

 

The door clicked open and creaked. 

 

Alec’s eyes remained wide open and his breath hitched.

 

“Isabelle?” 


	7. 7: Home, when you gonna come back home?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're all having a great day!! (If not, look at some cute animals, I am sure you'll feel better!!) 
> 
> TW for a homophobic conversation- no actual slurs though, I couldn't bring myself to write them.   
> (Sorry this chapter is a bit short, btw)
> 
> The title is from the song 'Come Home' by 'The Undercover Dream Lovers'.

The door shut with a thud behind him, his hand suddenly itching to get close to Magnus’. Alec met his sister’s eyes with a stoic gaze and did just what his heart wanted him to do- he grabbed Magnus’ hand. He didn’t dare meet Magnus’ eyes after that but a small smile crept his lips after he felt Magnus hold his hand tighter. 

 

Even after a 12-hour flight, and no sleep since days, Isabelle looked flawless. Her hair was cascading down like always, her face straight but Alec could make out the weariness, the uncertainty, as if he would throw her out the moment he saw her. 

 

“Get out,” he calmly murmured, not breaking eye contact. 

 

“Alec,” she stood up, coming near Alec.

 

Alec took a step back as she took a step forward. “Get out, Isabelle. You are in MY house without MY permission. You are trespassing.” 

 

“I want to explain myself, Alec, please,” Isabelle said, her voice firm. 

 

“You are not ruining the best day of my life, Isabelle. Get out.”

 

Isabelle looked hurt, her face crumpled and her shoulders lost the rigidity. Out of the corner of his eye, Alec saw a flash a blond, immediately recognizing it. 

 

“Jace,” he grunted. 

 

“Alec, I am so sorry I tried warning you but you wouldn’t pick up and-”

 

“Leave, please. The both of you. I do not want to talk to you or look at you both.”

 

“Who is that?” Isabelle asked, looking curiously at Magnus.

 

“None of your business, Isabelle. If you don’t leave, I am,” Alec said, his face stoic and fists clenched. 

 

Isabelle looked pained. “When you left, I didn’t know what to do. I kept on-”

 

“-invading my privacy, despite what my wish was- for you to leave me alone. I was in contact with some people, Isabelle. I was fine. You knew that. But you were guilt-ridden and wanted to be free of that guilt. You are here for purely selfish reasons. Leave, right now. Go back to where you came from. Just leave me the fuck alone.” 

 

Isabelle was a Lightwood, after all. Stubbornness fuelled her. 

 

“Alec, please. It isn’t that. You know it. I cannot let my elder brother think I hate him and cannot let him hate me.”

 

Alec sighed and turned around. Magnus was looking at him, concern apparent in his eyes. 

 

Isabelle held Alec’s arm. “Where will you go, Alec?” 

 

“He can come with me,” Magnus said for the first time.

 

Alec looked a little bewildered but the calm reassurance in Magnus’ eyes made him feel a bit better. 

 

“Come on, Alec. We can talk about this. Come home, please,” Isabelle begged. 

 

Alec laughed at that. “Home? I am there, Isabelle. I have been there for the past two months. You have no right to uproot me from this place.” 

 

Isabelle looked resigned. “You’re right,” she said alas. “I don’t. I am leaving. I won’t leave Idris until we talk. And we WILL talk. I am at a hotel nearby, Alec. Come by when you want.When you’re ready.” 

 

She took her coat and pushed past Magnus, Jace following her, nodding at Magnus along the way. 

 

Alec felt and looked shaken by the time they left and gathered the strength to lock the door. 

***

When Alec was 23, he had felt as if his life was stagnant. Apart from managing Brooklyn’s biggest rock group, it had felt the same every day. He could, in theory, move away from his house if he wanted to, his house that was so close to his parents that he still felt their harsh words in his mind and far enough to have his space. His house had been close enough for Isabelle if he needed her or if she needed him and far enough to bring his boyfriend home for the first (and the last) time. His life had remained that way until an unforeseen and unfortunate gas leak in the apartment above his forced him to move in with his parents once again. 

 

He had felt a jolt of something when he stepped inside the house and his gut had continuously screamed ‘ _ GET OUT GET OUT’ _ . But naive Alec had done what he always did, ignored the cries of his gut and ventured further. He had known that theoretically, this wasn’t a great idea and he would’ve preferred living in a motel with questionable management. But Isabelle, sweet Isabelle, insisted. And Alec, sweet Alec, could not resist his sister’s wishes. 

***

“You don’t have to go on,” Magnus said, sipping the wine Alec poured for him. “I can see it is hard for you.” 

 

Alec cleared his throat and shook his head. “I am fine. I need to tell someone.” 

 

Magnus kept his hand on Alec’s and pressed it. “I am here for you, Alexander.” 

***

One morning when the rains had smelled a bit like peaches and the sky had looked a bit like heaven, Alec was heading out. He had been feeling particularly good that day (he should’ve known something like this would happen.  _ He should’ve. He should’ve. _ ) But how could he have? 

 

Alec had stopped by their dining room, to pick up an orange or something to stop the rumbling of his stomach. And when he had peered into the room adjacent to that, he saw his parents and his sister sit there, watching something on television and Alec felt the first pang of sadness (although he wasn’t that sad- he somehow always thought that’s where he belonged in his family- in the periphery, casually looking at his parents and Isabelle form connections he  _ knew _ he wouldn't be able to ever make. 

 

He had walked towards them, then paused, when he saw they were watching the Pride march happening in LA. His eyebrows had furrowed and that’s when he had heard. 

***

“In retrospect,” Alec told Magnus, “it was my mistake. Eavesdropping your homophobic parents’ conversation while a pride march is going on is never a good idea.” 

 

Magnus continued looking at him, slowly making circles on Alec’s back. “Their homophobia is not your fault, Alexander. They chose to be homophobic. It was their choice, love.” 

 

Alec looked at Magnus, smiling thankfully, and continued. 

***

He had heard his parents say something along the lines of “Homosexuals will rot in hell.” and “When they realize they were heterosexual at the end of it, no God will forgive them for their crimes.” 

 

Alec had wanted to scoff, if  _ only  _ they knew just how  _ homosexual  _ their son was. This was expected, of course. What he hadn’t expected was another voice join in that conversation-

“I swear mom if I see them waving their agenda in front of me again I am going to condemn them to hell myself.” 

 

He had stopped eating his orange then, his breath stopping but Isabelle continued. “I mean I get it but don’t force it on us you know?” 

 

His mom had laughed (maniacally cackled) then, saying, “I would’ve disowned you or Alec if you would’ve become gay.” 

 

Isabelle had followed her suit, “Trust me, Maa, I would’ve disowned Alec myself if he was.” 

 

By the time their conversation had finished, Alec had packed and stayed at Jace’s until he finalized where he wanted to stay and his living arrangements. By the time Isabelle had started wondering where Alec was, Alec was on a flight. 

***

In the present day, Magnus’ hands were still on Alec’s back, rubbing circles as Alec gulped down the remaining wine. 

 

“That must’ve been hard for you, Alexander. I am so sorry you went through that,” Magnus said. 

 

Alec smiled gratefully. “It’s alright, Magnus. I’m alright now. Just hearing her out of everyone say that hurt a LOT. I never thought my own sister would say something so...hurtful. And now she wants to apologize for that? It is almost unforgivable.” 

 

“You should take your time, Alec. You don’t owe her anything,” Magnus said. 

 

“You’re right,” Alec said, looking at him, “I don’t.” 

 

"Coming to Idris was the best decision I have ever made. I have been happier here and have met some amazing people," their gaze knowingly met. 

 

"It always felt as if I didn't fit there you know? Like a jigsaw piece was missing, right? And they replaced that with me- a piece that poorly resembled it. But this place feels like it was for me as if I fit here completely." 

 

"And you do, Alexander. Your family doesn't deserve you," Magnus said, a determined gaze on his face. "I swear, Alexander- if you're going to confront your sister and you need some moral support, I will be there for you, with you, wherever, whenever you want me."

 

Alec had an overwhelming urge of hugging Magnus. Hugging him and not letting him go. He blinked back that urge and instead, said, “You have no idea how much that means to me, Magnus. Thank you.” 

 

Magnus smiled at him, holding his hand tightly.

 

The flight instinct that Alec had relied upon since he was born was asking him to look away from Magnus’ face- a few moments won’t hurt. 

 

“Tonight was heavy right?” Magnus said, his eyes on Alec’s tablecloth. 

 

Alec chuckled, “I just want to curl up in my blanket and sleep until the end of time.” 

 

Magnus looked up, meeting Alec’s eyes, noticing that Alec's gaze had been on Magnus for a long time and for the first time, Alec noticed the tip of his ears turned red. Alec internally smirked at that. 

 

“Okay, hold up,” Magnus said and he stood up and shuffled around. 

 

“Do you want something?” Alec called out as Magnus continued shuffling around his apartment. 

 

Magnus came back soon with Alec’s pink Bluetooth speaker in his hands. 

 

"So," Magnus continued as he connected his phone with the speaker, "I know your sister has kind of ruined the mind-blowing, perfectly beautiful night we had, but I don't want that to be the concluding note of our night." 

 

"What do you mean?" Alec asked as the soft music started playing from the speaker. 

 

Magnus outstretched his hand for the second time that night. "A handsome man once told me that you had promised yourself once that if a cute guy asks you to dance, you won't deny yourself and him of that opportunity."

 

Alec laughed but took his hand anyway. "You think I am handsome, Magnus?"

 

Magnus gathered him in his arms, his eyes soft and smile- ethereal. "The most handsome, Alexander." 

 

Their feet shuffled side to side and although it was too warm in their coats after a point, they didn’t seem to care. Magnus tightened his grip on Alec so they were flush. 

 

Alec looked up at him, pupils blown wide and lips slightly parted, almost as if he couldn’t fathom the beauty of the man in front of him. He was entranced by how beautiful he was up close. Alec’s hands wandered up to his neck, running through shaved raven hair. 

 

Magnus pulled back, lifting his arm, so Alec could spin and Alec didn’t hesitate. A giggle threatened to escape his lips- he felt so childish, yet so delirious in the moment. The sparks that had come alive and that had threatened to set fire to his entire being intensified and he felt almost high off how astonishing he felt, how stupefying Magnus made him feel, how incredibly unbelievable all of this felt. By instinct, Magnus placed his spare hand on Alec’s shoulder, stupid electricity cackling in his bones at this touch only, and allowed Alec to take the lead. Alec lifted his arm too, so Magnus could spin and Magnus giggled a little. 

 

The song changed, but they were able to keep up with the tempo, rocking side to side, soft laughter spilling from their lips. Magnus wrapped both his arms around Alec’s waist, pulling him closer and Alec entwined his fingers behind Magnus’ neck. 

 

They were so close, so close,  _ so, so, so close  _ and Alec could just move a little forward and touch his feet with Magnus’ and they’d be so close and then he could just- just gently put his lips on Magnus’ honey coated, beautiful ones and the world would explode and it would take him with itself and he’d be the most content man on planet. He was just  _ so damn close.  _

 

But he was also someone who just wouldn't take a chance until he was sure of it. So he pulled back a little and whatever trance that was built between the two of them broke a little, but the shine in Magnus' eyes stayed the same. His smile was the same, doing funny things to Alec’s hormones. 

 

So Alec smiled back, and Magnus pulled him a bit closer. Alec slid his hands down from Magnus’ hair to his waist and laid his head on Magnus’ shoulder, breathing in his sweet scent.  And they continued swaying until the moon shined brighter than it had all month, momentarily forgetting all that was troubling them. 


	8. 8: Picturing Love

Time moved at different paces for everyone but for people of Idris, it collectively moved slower than it had all week. Everyone seemed to be coming out of some sort of trance even a day after the fest as if the spell around them was slowly breaking. They still seemed in some kind of a lull, a daze, Alec noted, as he walked around town. 

 

Alec had still not convinced himself that this place was out of a fairy tale. It seemed too perfect- even the imperfections seemed too carefully constructed for their own good. All the people seemed to be in a kind of a daze like even they were carefully constructed by an entity.

 

The sun was bright as ever and Idris never looked more beautiful. There were rarely any clouds in the sky today and the small town of Idris seemed to be basking in the weather that was neither warm nor cool and Alec didn’t think he had ever felt the world moving in harmony with him. 

 

The way to Clary’s shelter never felt shorter. Clary hugged him as soon as he entered the shelter chattering excitedly about the perfect cat for Alec. 

 

“-and she is ginger, Alec! A ginger cat! Didn’t you tell me you were attached to one of the cats who had sea green eyes?” Clary asked, and Alec nodded yes, chuckling at her enthusiasm. 

 

“Well, Alec, this cat has sea green eyes too! And oh god, Alec she is the friendliest cat of them all! Quite opposite to Church here,” she said and pointed at the fat, blue-furred cat in the opposite direction, sitting like it owned the place. Church was probably the prettiest cat he had seen. 

 

Alec looked at the ginger cat Clary was referring to. “What’s her name?” 

 

“She responds only to Mary when she was rescued, but you can change the name for sure,” Clary said. 

 

Alec nodded, distracted by the blue Persian Longhair cat that was looking intently at Alec. 

 

“What’s the deal with Church?” Alec asked. 

 

“Well, Church hates everyone and does not let anyone carry him without any sort of struggle,” Clary said, going and over and trying to pet Church but retracting as it tried clawing her hand away. 

 

“He really is beautiful though,” Alec commented, itching to go near Church. 

 

“Oh Alec, he is the prettiest! At my mum and Luke’s wedding, he was dressed in silver balls. He was easier to handle then because Jem rescued him as a baby. After Jem moved away, no one has been able to handle Church,” Clary said, looking sadly at Church. 

 

“Would you mind if I pet him?” Alec asked, moving closer to where Church sat. 

 

“Go ahead, please,” Clary said. 

 

Church’s yellow eyes bore intently into Alec’s as he took one of the cat treats he had and put it in front of him. The cat looked at Alec, judging him before taking the treat and gulping it in one go. Alec’s grinned widened. 

 

“There you go, big kitty,” he said and started petting the cat to which the cat started purring.

 

Alec started babbling with the cat, just hoping to convey how much he was in love with the magnificent cat that was Church. Church was easily picked up by Alec, without any form of resistance by the cat and Alec never felt more validated his entire life. 

 

“Oh my god, Alec, Church is in love with you. He has never bonded this well with a stranger,” Clary muttered from the side.

 

“Clary,” Alec said, holding the cat like a baby, “I think I am in love with him too.” 

 

***

 

They soon completed the adoption procedure and Alec took Church home with him. He set up the scratching post and Church’s litterbox, letting the cat move around his new apartment. 

 

His doorbell rang and the cat meowed from the other end of the room. 

 

Alec chuckled, sprinting to open the door. His breath hitched again and his jaw went slack. Isabelle stood on the other side of the door, looking like she hadn’t slept, blues under her eyes. 

 

Alec’s heart ached. 

 

“Jesus Christ, Izzy, have you even eaten anything?” Alec asked, pulling her inside, closing the door behind them. 

 

Isabelle looked a bit surprised, “Uh, I did have an apple when I woke up, so,” 

 

“Do you want something?” Alec asked, looking at his sister. 

 

Alec had seen the half-asleep Isabelle, troubled by their parents' fights. He had seen the powerful Isabelle, ready to take over the world just because of how fierce and strong she was. He had seen the Isabelle she wanted the world to see her as and behind the scenes. He grew up with her, after all. 

 

He had never seen an unsure Isabelle before and he wanted to bring blankets for her and make her hot chocolate until she felt better. But then that day flashed before his eyes and he took a deep breath.

 

“I just want to talk, can we do that?” Isabelle asked, pulling a chair and sitting. 

 

Alec sighed and pulled out the opposite chair. 

 

“I was going to call you, you know?” Alec started, making Isabelle look at him. 

 

He shuffled, getting more comfortable. “I was going to call you because well, I felt like you owed me an explanation. What you said that day during-” Alec choked up, his words died in his mouth, as he teared up a bit. 

 

He cleared his throat again and took a deep breath. He could do this. 

 

“I haven’t struggled with my sexuality,” he said, at last, looking Isabelle straight in the eyes. “I haven’t struggled with accepting myself. I am gay and I am happy with that part of myself I just didn’t tell any of you guys because of this reason- because of the fact that I knew it in my bones that everyone around me would react that way.”

 

His heart was going to run out of his chest, with the way it was beating. His mouth was dry so he gulped some water and continued talking to Isabelle who was patiently listening to him. “Coming out didn’t even cross my mind because it is unfair. No straight person has come out, everyone just assumes, which you did for me.

 

So, I didn’t correct you, or mother or father, or anyone. Izzy, the thing is, I expected them talking about derogatory shit but I didn’t expect you to partake in that and when you did, I knew exactly what to do. I had been looking for a sign, something to tell me that I had to get out of that wretched place. And when I heard you talk shit, I took that as a sign and I came here. I don’t think I’ve been this happy before.” 

 

Isabelle had tears streaming down her eyes, and her hand clutched Alec’s across the table. 

 

“Oh Alec, I- Oh God,” she said, holding her face in her hands. “Let me explain what happened that day. To put it simply, I needed them to set up a charity ball for the foundation I was working with. It was very important for me to agree with mum and dad that whole week. When I said what I said, I had bile rise up to my throat because I didn’t believe it, at all. That doesn’t make it right, I know,” she blubbered. 

 

“I knew you were gay since the day you wanted to run away when you were seventeen, I think and you wanted to leave me a copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray. Alec, I love you so, so, so much and I want you to know that I am so sorry it happened that way,” Isabelle said, at last, holding Alec’s hands again. 

 

A burden seemed to have lifted from Alec’s chest. He squeezed her palm. “I forgive you but I am not completely okay with what happened. I need some time to wrap my head around this.” 

 

They were silent before Alec spoke again. 

 

“Why did you want them to throw you a charity ball, Izzy? You couldn’t have been that desperate,” Alec commented.

 

“Oh,” she said raising her eyebrows and pouring water for herself. ”I was. But they refused so the endorsement our foundation needed for raising money for the orphanages didn’t happen and it was a mess. I spent an extra two hours at the shooting range because of them.” 

 

Alec saw Church lazily make its way to where he was seated and curled up next to the foot of the chair. 

 

“Oh my god,” Isabelle exclaimed, “Who is this little guy?

 

She tried picking Church up. Church tried biting her. 

 

“Ah!” Isabelle hissed instead. “I still love her.” 

 

"Come on," Alec said at last when Isabelle's arms were full of Church's scratches. “Let's go to that park nearby."    
  
He craved for to feel something familiar. The air around them had indefinitely changed. And there was nothing that they could do to change it, Alec realized.    
  
"Where will you put Church?" Isabelle asked.    
  
Alec dialed Lukas' number.    
  
"What's up, Xander?"    
  
"Xander, Lukas? Really?" Alec rolled his eyes.    
  
"Well everyone calls you Alec and Alexander has been taken by Mr. Bane, so I had to think of something."    
  
A smile threatened to come on Alec's lips.    
  
"I know you want to smile, Xander. Give it up," Lukas teased from the other side of the phone.   
  
Alec groaned but smiled anyway. “Whatever Lukas, you win this one time.”   
  
"Why’d ya call?" Lukas asked.    
  
"Right," Alec cleared his throat awkwardly, running his hand through his hair. "So two big news- I adopted a cat-"    
  
Lukas' squeal cut him off.    
  
"OH MY GOD, XANDER. What is the cat like? Is the cat cute? What's the name? Tell me everything!"    
  
"Just come up, will you?" Alec asked.    
  
"Oh my God, yes!" He squealed and the line went dead.    
  
"I see you've made a good friend," Isabelle commented.    
  
"Three rather. Him, his husband Daniel, and Magnus."    
  
"Right," Isabelle said, standing up as the cat began to rub himself around Isabelle's ankles. "I just assumed Magnus would be more."    
  
Alec blushed a fine shade of red. "Nothing like that."    
  
"Could've fooled me, to be honest. He looked ready to snap me in half yesterday," she smirked.    
  
Just when Alec was about to retort, a knock rang through his house. 

 

Lukas did not even let Alec talk before he sprinted towards the cat, cooing immediately. He barely even noticed Isabelle.   
  
The cat, who had shown nothing but disinterest till now, stood up curiously, tilting her head for Lukas to pet.   
  
"Oh my God, he's magnificent, Alec! What's his name?"    
  
"Church," Alec muttered.    
  
"Church, aw!" He looked up at Alec. "Such a magnificent name for a magnificent boy."    
  
Alec chuckled and Lukas continued playing with him.    
  
"So can you babysit the cat for a while, please?" He asked finally, giving a glass of water to Lukas.    
  
"Honey next time, don't even ask. I'll be right here. You can take all the time you need in the world," he said, looking pointedly at Isabelle.    
  
"Hi, Lukas," Isabelle said, "I'm Alec's little sister, Isabelle. It's a pleasure to meet you."    
  
Lukas tentatively shook her hand. He then looked at Alec who nodded and then shook her hand more firmly, smiling more like himself.    
  
"It's a pleasure to meet you too. Now shoo, you both can have your sibling chat or whatever and I will stay here with this fluffy boy."    
  
Alec smiled. "Thanks, Lukas."    
  
Lukas smiled back, mouthing all the best at Alec as Isabelle turned towards the door.

 

The walk to the park was small. They both found a shady spot under a huge tree on the hill and caught up on all the things that happened.    
  
Isabelle wished she didn't have to listen to Jace blabber on the entire plane ride. Alec wished things could go back to the way they were.    
  
There was still an awkward silence around them when no one spoke.   
  
"Tell me something I don't know," Isabelle said, at last, holding Alec's hand. The sun was setting, and the park looked exquisite, light golden rays making it look like something out of a fairytale.    
  
Alec looked straight ahead, soaking in the beautiful sunset. This game was something they always played when they were younger. His heart hurt a little. It was simpler back then- he could feign ignorance and just pretend as if everything were alright.    
  
He held her hand tighter. "I never want to go home, Izzy. This feels more like home to me than that ever felt."    
  
He met Isabelle's eyes that were full of unshed tears.    
  
She squeezed his hand tighter.    
  
"Tell me something I  _ don't  _ know, Alec," she said with a sad smile. 

“This place feels fabricated,” Alec confessed at last. 

Isabelle’s eyes shot up in surprise, her eyes looking a bit more lively than it had all day. “What do you mean?” 

“None of this feels  _ real _ . Except for some people. My life doesn’t feel real. I feel lost but Magnus, he feels like the light here. Something keeping me grounded.”

Isabelle held his hand tighter. “All in due time, Alec. All in due time”    
  
The conversation ended there. The sunset in a few minutes and the sky slowly darkened.    
  
On their way back, Isabelle stopped him.    
  
"Magnus is your reason for staying here, yeah?" she asked.    
  
Alec thought about lying.    
  
"Yes. He is the primary reason I'm staying here."    
  
"How long have you known him for?" she asked, with skeptic undertone.    
  
"About a month or so. Is there a particular reason I feel like I'm being interrogated?"    
  
Isabelle's eyes softened. "I worry about you, Alec. I love you, I worry about you."    
  
Alec looked straight ahead. "Okay."    
  
"How much do you know about him?"    
  
Alec knew that Magnus' eyes were like mood rings- they changed according to his mood. Sometimes when he teased Alec, his eyes turned a rich shade of honey. On the rare occasion that he'd seen him panicking, there were vibrant and green, and when he was relaxed, talking to his son or simply enjoying the ice cream cone in front of him, they were the shade of the spring sun.    
  
He knew that Magnus loved his son more than anything in the world and that he loved appearing as though he was open and had his heart on his sleeve but he was more closed off than Alec was and Alec couldn't wait to know more about him.    
  
He knew that Magnus' hands felt like coming home and his breath always,  _ always _ ,  **_always_ ** , smelled like strawberries and when he smiled he smiled so wide that an entire garden could blossom because of him.   
  
He knew that Magnus would always try growing flowers even in the darkest thunderstorms and he was stubborn and sometimes insufferable but he had a heart of gold. And he hated seeing people sad. And he loved making people smile.   
  
He knew that Magnus moved like magic and talked as if he had discovered all the mysteries of the world and fuck, now Alec's heart was racing and his stomach was vomiting butterflies and only Magnus could have this effect on him. 

He knew how Magnus made him feel. Like he was here and this was real and this was actually happening, not an extended dream he was forced to live through. He felt like he knew Magnus forever.    
  
"Enough," he finally said.    
  
Enough indeed. He could maybe have 10 years worth of soliloquy from knowing Magnus for only a month.    
  
"Okay," Isabelle said at last. Her eyes were soft and full of tears and she hugged Alec right there on the street.    
  
Alec reveled in the familiar feeling of being in his sister's arms and hugged her tighter. "Okay."    
  
"I know I promised to get out of your hair but I want to meet him, Alec," Isabelle said at last.    
  
Alec chuckled, and they fell into the familiar rhythm.    
  
Later, Jace joined them for dinner at a small American themed diner near the garden, looking out of place like everything in Idris. And while munching over burgers and fries, Alec felt a little lighter than he did before- a little more attuned to reality. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologizing for late updates is getting old. I really am sorry for the late update. Next chapter is where things kind of progress a bit more and I have already written a half of it so it won't be too long before I update! 
> 
> Hope you guys like i. Thank you so so so so much for your love <3


	9. 9: I'm a curse hanging around you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter name is from Green Day's Jinx.

Alec dreamt of another life- a life where he had weird looking tattoos covering his body, his eyes sparkling, a bow and arrow on his back. He dreamt of fighting side by side with Magnus, who looked stunning as usual, a blue light emitting from his hands. They were in a huge hall, a lot of people dressed in black, with  _ runes _ his mind provided, in groups of two, all ready to fight the impending evil. But suddenly, Alec kissed Magnus and everyone gasped whereas shy Alec stood in the middle, declaring his love for Magnus. And Magnus, the stunning  _ warlock _ -(somehow his mind knew everything that was happening and yet nothing at all)- was stunned himself. 

 

Alec woke up sweating, his chest heaving, and his heart aching for another life. Church was beside him as he woke up from this rendition of a variety of such dreams he had been having, his eyes boring into Alec’s as if they knew everything that Alec had dreamt of, and had answers to the secrets of the universe trapped underneath them. Alec chuckled, petting the cat and Church cuddled into Alec as if sensing the distress he had been feeling. 

 

***

 

Those dreams didn’t stop, Alec noted. They were recurring dreams, always Magnus, sometimes Clary, sometimes Isabelle, sometimes Jace, but always,  _ always  _ Magnus. Sometimes they were in a party thrown by Magnus, with Magnus openly flirting with him. Sometimes, they were on a date, sometimes they had a son, who was blue and looked scarily like Max. Sometimes they were leaning on a balcony, both solemn, but Magnus had handed Alec a leather notebook and Alec remembered feeling lighter, better. 

 

Alec remembered feeling a lot in these dreams. Feeling more than he ever had in his life- his heart full as if a warlock had decidedly made it full, with a whisper of forever and a flick of his wrist he knew he would never feel as full as he did in his life than at that certain moment. 

 

All these dreams didn’t feel like dreams. They felt like rusted memories, like something he had lived on. No way could a dream feel so realistic, no dream could have the power to make Alec feel a loss for something he never had. No dream could ignite more feelings for a person. But these had and Alec stubbornly decided that they were just one of the first signs of descending into madness. Alec was certain that he was slowly descending into madness. 

 

“Maybe it’s a sign that you should do something about those feelings you’re harbouring,” Daniel said the next day. 

 

“Maybe it’s a sign you should shut the fuck up,” Alec mimicked and then immediately- “Gosh I’m sorry Daniel I just, god I don’t like these dreams.” 

 

Daniel merely shrugged. “Why don’t you like them?” 

 

“They make me feel all icky and warm and gooey on the inside.”

 

“And that is a bad thing?” 

 

“The worst, Daniel The worst. Every time he talks I feel like kissing him because for some reason I know for sure what kissing him would feel like. I want to be around him constantly. Everytime Max thanks me I want to chide him for thanking his father when I am not his fucking dad,” Alec moaned. 

 

“But you want to be?” 

 

Alec glared and then flopped on Daniel’s sofa. “I have this thing of wanting to be around the both of them constantly. They feel like family for some reason. Like I’ve been strayed away from home and they’re my way back but this is stupid because this place IS my home.” 

 

“Yikes, that’s exactly how Lukas makes me feel. You get used to it, Alec and somehow it is the best feeling in the whole fucking world,” Daniel said with a wistful grin on his face.

 

“Do the butterflies ever stop eating your stomach?” 

 

“Never,” Daniel grinned. 

 

Alec’s phone dinged with Magnus’ text letting him know he was here. Alec couldn’t even control the smile spreading on his face. 

 

“Go get your man!” Daniel screamed as Alec shut the door. 

 

The sun seemed like Magnus’ personal spotlight wherever he went. As Alec walked toward him, a cloud seemingly surrounding Magnus cleared. His simple outfit became more flamboyant, the red in his hair sticking out and his hands had blue flames emitting from them, just like in his dreams, Magnus smirked, beckoning him. 

 

Alec blinked and that version of Magnus was gone. Magnus was in the same outfit as before, only this time with a concerned look on his face. Alec almost stumbled back, his heart thudding heavily in his chest and his mouth suddenly dry which had very little to do with how ethereal Magnus looked.

 

“Alexander, you look like you saw a ghost. Are you alright?” Magnus asked as Alec approached him, cupping his face. 

 

Alec did not even have time to ponder over how this was the first time Magnus had done so and how it still felt like his hands belonged there as if this was something they had done regularly. 

 

“I need a drink,” Alec said, still stupefied. 

 

Magnus pulled his hands away and suddenly, Alec felt like he was living in a cliche as he suddenly missed the warmth. He instead laid his hand on Alec’s lower back and Alec’s stomach flipped. 

 

“Do you want to come over, maybe?” Magnus asked, making Alec’s face red all over. Suddenly, his mind was flooded with visions of them from the other life, in bed, together. Magnus looking at him with that grin, that stupid fond grin he catches him looking at even now. And then he was cupping his cheek, and leaning in. 

 

Alec shook his head and snapped himself out of the daydream. 

 

“Uhmm, as long as you have alcohol I can’t see why not,” Alec meekly muttered at last. 

 

Magnus kept looking at Alec with a concerned gaze whilst Alec observed the sky ahead. It was prepossessing, like every day. One of the things Alec enjoyed in Idris was looking at the sky, always exquisite, never plain. Although Alec supposes, a sky could never look plain. Not with the orange tint on the side of a cloud shaped like an- wait a minute. 

 

“The sky is the same as yesterday,” Alec said, hastily removing out his phone. 

 

Magnus stopped dead in tracks. “What?” 

 

“The sky, look!” Alec exclaimed, showing Magnus a photograph he clicked yesterday. “The sky, there’s a cloud shaped like an elephant with an orange tint poking out of it. I clicked a photo to show you.”

 

Magnus furrowed his eyebrows, snapped his fingers and deepened his frown. “Alexander, although today’s cloud does resemble an elephant, yesterday’s didn’t. Are you sure you’re alright? I can call a doctor if you want.”

 

“What? No!” Alec exclaimed snatching the phone away from Magnus.”It was an elephant yesterday I clicked a lot of pictures- I just saw the picture myself. What the fuck?” He swiped left and right and to his surprise (or not, he couldn’t tell, really), there was no picture of a sky resembling today. 

 

Alec took a shuddering breath. “I am going mad.” 

 

Magnus rubbed calming circles on Alec’s back. “It’s alright, Alexander. It is just a simple case of deja vu. It happens. Don’t you worry about it.” 

 

“No, no, Magnus. It isn’t just this. It’s everything. I am slowly descending into madness,” Alec groaned. 

 

“Do you want to tell me what is happening?” Magnus asked, still clearly concerned, leaning towards Alec as if his presence itself could calm his nerves (it did but Magnus didn’t need to know that). 

 

“Get me drunk enough and I will.” 

 

***

 

“When I said get me drunk enough I didn’t mean for you to procure every single alcoholic drink known to man,” Alec mumbled in awe at the vast collection of alcohol Magnus had. 

 

Magnus chuckled. “Any drink, in particular, that has caught your fancy?” 

 

“I was going to ask for the cheapest whiskey you had,” Alec said, leaning along Magnus’ gigantic wall. 

 

“Cheapest whiskey coming up,” Magnus said with a wink. 

 

It did not take long for Alec to get drunk. The bohemian outlay of Magnus’ house looked eerily familiar but Alec decided to not ponder on that. It was future-Alec’s problem. 

 

“So like somehow, Magnus we’re always, always, always together in these dreams, okay and they don't even feel like dreams, Magnus,” Alec moaned. “They feel like things that have happened to me which is so stupid, right? Cause I don’t remember them happening. Somehow they feel more real than my whole life until this moment has felt.” 

 

Alec flopped face first into the cushions on Magnus’ couch. 

 

“Which is why I feel like I am descending into madness. Daniel says that this is a sign I should acknowledge my feelings but what does he know right?” Alec's voice was muffled by the cushion.

“What feelings?” Magnus asked, sipping his own martini and his other hand playing with Alec’s hair. 

 

Alec decidedly ignored the tingles he felt throughout his body when Magnus’ nimble fingers continued to run through his hair, when his brain provided that he shouldn’t be speaking more than he already had, so he shook his head. “I have a feeling I’ll regret saying it so I won’t.”

 

Magnus chuckled, moving in closer.  “Can you elaborate on those dreams that you’ve been having?” Magnus asked. 

 

“Like we’re together. I have weird tattoos and you have magic.” 

 

Magnus eyes comically widened. If Alec were sober he would have laughed but maybe not. 

 

“They don’t feel like dreams, is that weird?” Alec continued. “They feel like snippets from a life I don’t remember living. I dream about us the most but Clary and Jace and Simon and Isabelle are there too and I always feel a hole burning in my chest after I have those  _ ‘dreams’ _ .” 

 

“Alexander,” Magnus sighed, his eyes were full of unshed tears. “What else do you remember?” 

 

Alec sat up straight, situating his elbow on the cushion he lay face first on, leaning a little close to Magnus. He cupped Magnus’ cheeks this time. “Magnus I just remember you. Being consumed by you, with you. I somehow remember how you look like when you wake up, how you feel underneath me, on top of me. I remember adopting Max. I just remember you and that feels more real than anything has in all these years I have been living.”

 

Magnus looked down, leaning a little more into Alec’s touch. “Alexander you have to remember.” 

 

Alec furrowed his eyebrows. “Magnus, what?”

 

“Alexander,” Magnus said and leaned in so that his forehead was touching Alec’s. “Oh, Alexander this is more painful and agonizing for someone who has seen agony worth hundred centuries in a short time.”

 

Alec leaned away, all his senses suffocating with Magnus’ essence. “What are you talking about?” 

 

Magnus’ hand suddenly ignited bluish green flames, his eyes glowing a bright golden. Alec knew he wasn’t drunk enough to be hallucinating. His heart quickened and suddenly he concluded that he must be dreaming long enough to make everything around him feel real. He felt terrified. It had never,  _ ever _ felt this real.

 

“Magnus what is this, I am scared, Magnus,” Alec muttered as Magnus put his flaming hand on Alec’s forehead. Alec felt a cold sensation run through him and he suddenly felt calmer, yet drunker than he had before. His mind was hazy like someone had spent hours stuffing cotton in it. 

 

“Come back to me, Alexander. Come back to me,” Magnus muttered, a solitary tear rolling down his cheek. 

 

“Magnus-”

 

“Do you remember anything? Anything at all? Please, please come back to me,” Magnus pleaded, falling on his knees, holding Alec’s forehead with his hand. His mind felt woozier and his limbs felt loose like they’d fall of his sockets without any pain. 

 

“I know this is a dream but this feels eerily real, I feel tired,” Alec garbled, his words not even sounding coherent to his own ears. 

 

“You have to remember, Alexander,” Magnus begged, his eyes desperate, but his hand never once wavered from Alec’s forehead, determined to make Magnus remember something. 

 

Alec felt petrified. His breath sped up, his heart dangerously smashing against his ribcage. “Magnus I don’t remember anything. I am scared Magnus what-” 

 

He never got to complete his sentence, as with a snap of Magnus’ fingers, he fell flat on his couch, in a sleep deep enough to not notice Magnus’ shuddering cries from beside him. 

  
  



	10. 10: sorry for the fantasy, i just want to know you for a long, long time

That night, Alec dreamt of a shifting shadow, a man with sharp pointed teeth, dressed in a white suit and silver cufflinks, his eyes glowing, like that of Magnus, fully aware that that entity, wasn’t Magnus, because he could feel Magnus beside him, pleading, whilst the supernatural being sneered. He felt suffocated, like someone was reaching down his windpipes and tightly holding him in place. He felt paralyzed, almost dumbstruck. He was in a place that did not feel like earth, just another dimension all together. It was red everywhere he could see and hotter than he was accustomed to. It smelled like sulfur, like years of tormented souls, like decades of suffering, and like millenia of agony. He was overwhelmed. 

 

He made eye contact with the sinister being in front of him, who was smirking and suddenly Alec felt like he was drowning, his entire body burning, as if it were being stripped of its skin. He gasped, flapping his hands around, trying to come up, to breathe, to allow a little air to pass through his lungs before he was being woken up with a soft lull to his name. 

 

He woke up gulping as much air as he could sitting abruptly as a hand lay on his back, rubbing circles. He swayed into the touch, breathing deeply, trying to calm his racing heart. 

 

“You’re here Alexander, you’re alright,” Magnus’ comforting hush came from beside him. 

 

“Magnus,” Alec gasped and suddenly scrambled away from the incredibly _soft_ bed he had been sleeping on and sprang away like he’d been burned by the mauve bed he was on when the events of last night came rushing back to him. Him getting shit faced drunk on cheap whiskey, leaning close of Magnus, telling him about his weird dreams, cupping his cheeks, _oh god,_ climbing into bed with him? What was he thinking? He wasn’t rather, he wasn’t at all. He hoped and prayed that he didn’t ruin the carefully constructed relationship he had built with Magnus. 

 

“Oh my god I am so sorry for being a responsibility, Magnus,” Alec said, still panting from the dream, scurrying to fold the covers as fast as his shaky fingers could go about it. “Did you get a chance to sleep well? I hope I didn’t flail my limbs around a lot. Marcus said I did that a lot.” 

 

Magnus furrowed his eyebrows. “Marcus is?” 

 

Red flooded Alec’s cheeks for the second time that morning. “Oh, he is just um- my ex,” he mumbled, running his hand against the back of his head. 

 

Magnus’ jaw clenched, his fists gripping the sheets way tightly for someone just folding them. “Right, of course, your ex,” he said, forcing a smile that looked genuine to Alec.

 

Alec started making the bed, forcing himself to be a little useful. He wasn’t used to gorgeous  _ friends  _ sleeping on the same bed with him. 

 

“Alexander, don’t worry about this,” Magnus started, but Alec didn’t let him finish. “Magnus, it is the least I can do, I shouldn’t have had so much to drink and then burden you with all my problems.”

 

Magnus looked uncertain, his mouth in a frown. “You could never be a burden, Alexander,” he said.

 

Alec shook his head, “Definitely feel like one,” he said, his mind reeling from the dream he had. His mind was fuzzy, trying to remember whatever happened in the dreams. 

 

“You mean the dreams?” 

 

“Fuck yes, the dreams. I hope I didn’t embarrass myself last night. That reminds me, what exactly did happen last night? I can’t seem to recall anything,” Alec nervously rambled. 

 

“What is the last thing you do remember?” Magnus questioned, laying his hand on top of Alec’s arm. 

 

Alec gulped. “Drinking a lot of cheap whiskey and then passing out in bed with you. That’s it, to be honest. What whiskey did you give me, by the way? I am not at all hungover and this feels a lot like magic, to be honest.” 

 

Magnus didn’t really pay attention to his ramble, but an air of nervous energy that surrounded him, lightened. He rather came close to Alec. “Did you have one tonight as well?” Magnus asked.

 

Alec instinctively wanted to step towards him, surround himself with Magnus’ warmth, but he stepped back. (In retrospect, distancing himself wasn’t a good idea, despite his entire being forcing him to not but Alec and stubbornness went hand in hand.)

 

“You mean the dreams? Yeah,” he said, looking away, not noticing Magnus’ clenched jaw. 

 

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Magnus asked.

 

Alec frowned. “It was kind of the same except this time I felt like I was in hell. And I was scared. Others felt like coming home. This, didn’t. There was like a sinister shadowy figure? And it felt like a nightmare.”

 

“Wow,” Magnus sighed. “So,” Magnus started, “I have an idea about these dreams you’ve been having. I know of a very good dream therapist, who actually, you’ve met before- Katarina,” he said, walking around in his silk robes. 

 

“Yeah?” Alec said, his frown deepening. “I thought she-”

 

Magnus sat down on the chair beside his coffee table and hastily cut him off. “Yeah. Write down all that you’ve been remembering from the dreams that you’ve been having. I’ll book an appointment for you.”

 

“You’ll do that? Why?” Alec asked surprised, going closer to where Magnus sat.

 

Magnus tilted his head, shrugging his shoulders, smiling fondly. “Alexander,” he said, “I care for you, very, very deeply.” 

 

Alexander’s breath was stuck in his throat and the eye contact that he had was quite difficult to maintain. So he looked down, holding his upper lip between his teeth and felt his heart thudding with every bit of warmth he had. “Thank you, Magnus.” 

 

Magnus walked toward him and tilted his chin up. “Anything for you, Alexander.” 

 

They were so close that if they leaned in just an inch more, they’d be kissing. So Alec leaned in a little more, wanting to meet Magnus in the middle, and Magnus, followed Alec’s lead and they both closed their eyes. It was a moment as fragile as all moments like this were. Alec was aware that his heart was painfully thumping in his chest, and his stomach felt like it was being eaten by butterflies and his mind was short circuiting. Magnus’ hand trailed down from his chin to his hand.

 

If this moment was straight out of a romance movie, there’d be snow fall, soft music playing in the background and they’d both lean in and kiss, finally. Alas, the moment wasn't straight out of a telenovela and it’s fragility was soon tested as Magnus’ phone rang. 

 

Magnus regretfully moved apart, attending his phone call in another room. 

 

Alec stood stuck to the ground, gulping as much air as he could. What had just happened? It was  _ a moment,  _ alright? They’d almost kissed. Alec felt dizzy, euphoric even. They had  _ almost, ALMOST  _ kissed! Alec put his hand on his mouth, trying to suppress his grin but he couldn’t. Alec knew they had to talk.  Alec looked for his text and shot Lukas a frantic text. 

 

When Magnus came back after the phone call that ruined it all, something about Magnus seemed off, his energy seemed dull, faded away into a ball of nothingness. His walk was slow, his back a little slouched. Alec slightly grew concerned. (Talks could wait for another day, couldn’t they?)

 

“Are you alright, Magnus?” Alec asked as he sat beside him. The talk could wait for another day. 

 

Magnus let out a long sigh, pursed his lips and shook his head, “Nothing’s the matter, it’s just one of those days, I suppose.” 

 

“After that phone call, you seem-” Alec tried gesturing what he meant to communicate in words.

 

Magnus quizzically stared at his hands. “I seem?” 

 

“You seem kinda dull,” Alec pathetically finished. 

 

He weakly smiled. “It was work,” he said, not elaborating on it. 

 

Before Alec could reply, Magnus hastily stood up, “Would you like some pancakes and coffee? Your hangover must be killing you.”

 

Alec was disconcerted and placed his hand on his forehead, “I don’t have a hangove-” Magnus was out of the room before Alec could even finish the sentence. 

 

“Magnus, are you alright?” Alec asked as he followed him out. 

 

Magnus turned around, a small smile on his face. “Alexander, you worry too much. I am alright.”

 

Alec frowned and upon closer inspection, Magnus looked like he hardly got any sleep. Unflattering dark circles surrounded his eyes and his eyes were red and he looked like- “Are you coming down with something?” 

 

Magnus smiled again. “A snap of fingers and I’ll be fine.” 

 

Alec chuckled. “You’re talking as if you have magic in your fingertips, Magnus.” 

 

Magnus froze and soon gained his composure, forcing a chuckle. “Something like that. Coffee?” 

 

“Always,” Alec smiled, and graciously accepted the cup. And the moment or the phone call was never talked of. Yet. 

 

***

 

Their dynamic changed shortly after that.

 

(To be honest, not a lot of days had past, but every moment with Magnus that Alec spent he felt like he’d been with him for years and seconds together. Time didn’t feel real, just the intensity of Alec’s feelings, the lingering looks, the tentative, timid touches, and the longing to just smash their lips together- that all seemed very, very, very real.)

 

They hung out thrice after that. Shy smiles were still exchanged, fond glances were still traded, casual touches still had Alec’s entire mind short circuiting, but the conversations were a bit more strained and there was an underlying sadness to Magnus’ whole demeanor. It was only three days after that almost kiss and Alec felt like he’d been missing Magnus a whole lot. 

 

Alec was out with Clary, Jace, and Isabelle one fine brink-of-the-winter evening when Magnus came in, his usual thousand watts smile looking subdued, his body language a bit more constrained. Maybe he was just tired. Maybe his lack of acknowledgement of Alec’s presence was because he was tired. That’s gotta be it, right? Definitely not the almost kiss. 

 

Alec could only go five minutes without questioning it and convincing himself when he pulled Clary aside. 

 

Her eyes widened as Alec leaned down to whisper, “Is Magnus alright?” 

 

“Are you asking if Magnus Bane is alright? Magnus Bane is always alright,” Clary whispered back. 

 

Alec shook his head. “Haven’t you noticed any change in him? It is Christmas in a week and he’s sad. Look at him,” they both saw him talking to Jace and Isabelle, as they were huddled in a whisper, their energies deflating every second. 

 

“You celebrate Christmas, Alec?” Clary asked. 

 

Alec rolled his eyes. “That’s what you got from it? He is unhappy and I can’t stand it.” 

 

“Why can’t you stand it?” Clary innocently questioned, although her gleaming eyes led Alec to believe that the question was not innocent at all.

 

“I care for him, he is my friend,” Alec mumbled a rehearsed line that he had prepared in case of situations like these. 

 

“Right,” Clary said, clearly not believing him. 

 

“Magnus is alright. Just an anniversary of some...rather unpleasant things is coming up and it’s making Magnus a bit weary of everything around him. He’ll be alright.” 

 

“Right,” Alec said, clearly not believing her. 

 

“Alec,” Clary said, looking up to him and holding his arm and suddenly, Alec’s mind was consumed with visions of another Clary, drawing a fearless  _ rune _ , Alec almost talking about something he knew he shouldn’t and Magnus effectively shutting him up. This vision was much clearer than the rest, he noted. He did not feel like he was observing it but rather something he was living through. He could feel Clary’s  _ stele _ on his arm, Magnus’ magic on his mouth. 

 

Alec gasped and stumbled back, all wide eyes and shallow breaths. His mind was racing, his heart galloping as Magnus, Isabelle, and Jace came running towards him. 

 

He closed his eyes and took a few calming breaths. 

 

“I’m- I’m fine. I am just going to go home,” he said, not letting anyone question him, swiftly escaping their concerned gazes. 

 

“Let me walk you home,” Magnus said. 

 

Alec felt drained, too tired to argue, so he merely nodded.

 

“Something weird is happening, Magnus,” Alec said at last as they walked side by side on the cobbled steps to his house. “I feel like I’m out of loop in a story about myself. These dreams, these visions? They’re eating me alive. Do you know what it’s like to have dreams that make you long for a life you wished you lived? Dreams that sometimes feel so, so, so real that they’re so close yet so far?” 

 

Magnus was unperturbed by his ramble. “I’m so sorry this is happening, Alexander. It’ll get better, I promise,” he said. 

 

Alec pulled his hair. “God, Magnus. I had actually just been satisfied with my life. Like all missing pieces were somehow back together. And these dreams and visions, are ruining my life.”  _ It does not help that I want to stay in that world more than this life and so I’ve been sleeping a lot more this week than I have my whole life,  _ was left unsaid. 

 

Magnus’ eyes softened. “I wish I could help. But I have done the best I could to get you a 3pm’s appointment with Katarina tomorrow.” 

 

Alec gaped at him. “You did?” 

 

Magnus smiled. “I did. She’s good, Alexander. She’s helped Max with his nightmares before.” 

 

It was one of those moments where there are no words one could think of to thank someone. How exactly do you say  _ I am eternally grateful? _

 

So, Alec pulled Magnus in a hug, breathing in Magnus’ presence. He wrapped his arms tight around him, and Magnus returned he favour, burying his neck in the crook of Alec’s neck. 

 

“I am eternally grateful for you, Magnus,” he mumbled. Magnus only hugged him tighter. 

 

When they pulled away, Magnus’ eyes were shining brighter than it had as he grinned at Alec. 

 

“What is going on with you, Magnus? You’ve been…”  _ sad, dejected, grief stricken, like someone squeezed your heart a little  _ “...disheartened,” Alec asked. “Is it because Max isn’t here for Christmas?” 

 

“You celebrate Christmas?” Magnus asked as they started walking again. Magnus linked their arms together. 

 

Alec’s brow crinkled. “Why is everyone asking me that? Of course, I celebrate Christmas. You don’t?”

 

Magnus frowned. “We don’t engage ourselves in mundane activities such as that.” 

 

“Mundane? Jeez, Magnus. Has Max never celebrated Christmas?” Alec inquired. 

 

“I wouldn’t know,” Magnus answered honestly.

 

_ Right,  _ of course he wouldn't. 

 

“Won’t you celebrate Christmas then?” Alec asked.

 

“I’m not quite certain. But I will, with you,” he said. 

 

Alec blushed, “Alright.” 

 

“And to answer your previous question, Alexander, I lost someone very close to me but now it seems like I haven’t lost them at all,” Magnus answered truthfully, smiling at Alec. 

 

Alexander’s breath was stuck in his throat and the eye contact that he had was quite difficult to maintain. So he looked down, holding his upper lip between his teeth and felt his heart thudding with every bit of warmth he had. He seemed to have this effect around Magnus quite a lot. 

 

Magnus turned to face him and tilted his chin up. Alec’s breath hitched. 

 

The wind howled then, and small flakes of snow started littering the surrounding, blinding the evening with ice white dust. Alec looked around grinned. His favourite part about winters was snow. The first snow of the season was his favourite time of the year and he suddenly felt like a little kid again, on his mother’s lap, looking at the white sheet of snow surrounding the whole neighbourhood. He knew that within a few hours, the whole of Idris would be swallowed in white, the streets looking like unfinished paintings. 

 

The snow clinged onto everything like a newborn baby and Alec had an overwhelming urge of dancing in the middle of the street. He felt giddy which did not help when he noticed Magnus looking at him with warm affection. 

 

“You’ve always loved the snow, haven’t you?” Magnus asked. 

 

The moment felt like it was a start of something. They started walking again and Magnus slipped his fingers in between Alec’s. 

 

“Always,” he answered, “Would you like to come up for some hot chocolate?”

 

Magnus beamed. “I’d love to!” 

 

Alec breathed out a sign or relief. “Good, yeah. And another thing I wanted to ask, would you be willing to come with me to the therapy sessions? Some moral support would be wonderful.” 

 

Magnus held their hands tighter. “I’d love to.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title is from the song called Sensitivity by Worn-Tin.


	11. 11: Telltale signs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name is from the song Telltale Signs by Sobs. 
> 
> I wanted to thank everyone for reading, commenting and kudos-ing. I appreciate it so much!!!! 
> 
> I cannot believe I wrote more than 30k words ah!! If everything goes according to plan, only 4 more chapters for this fic to end :(( Hope you all like his chapter, it's only malec cause im still not over the disastrous cancellation of the show :((((

What Magnus wasn’t prepared for when Alec opened the door to his freezing cold house was Church, eagerly waiting by the door step as if he knew it was Magnus would come in through the door.    
  
Alec, who had never seen his passive cat so excited, was shocked. Magnus, who clearly had more experience with cats that Alec did was in love.   
  
Church immediately started nudging his head on Magnus’ legs, as Magnus aww’d, bending down to pick the cat.    
  
“You have Church?” he asked, picking up the cat, petting the cat on his head. Church purred, snuggling into Magnus, as if they were long estranged.    
  
“How do you know Church?” Alec questioned. “He’s never been this friendly,” he said after a moment, clearly surprised at the cat’s antics.    
  
“I know all cats here, Alexander,” he said, cooing at the cat. “I-um used to volunteer at the shed where Clary volunteers,” he said.    
  
“I have one myself,” said Magnus, walking towards the couch and sitting down, the cat still clinging onto him.    
  
“You have a cat?” asked Alec, sitting beside Magnus. “Where was the cat the day I came over?”   
  
Magnus’ movements froze a little, but unfroze a moment later, as he pretended that his eyes weren’t darting all over the place. “She’s with Max, she came with him, you see? So they’re attached to the hip, you could say.”    
  
“When your abusive ex left Max at your doorstep?” asked Alec, petting the cat too.    
  
Magnus looked at Alec, as if he had no idea what he was talking about. “Abusive ex?”    
  
“Yeah, that’s what I’ve-uhm-heard,” he said, stuttering a bit.   
  
“Uhm-yeah, Camille left the cat and Max,” Magnus said, looking downwards, masking the confusion on his face with a grimace.   
  
Camille, the name itself left a bitter taste in Alec’s mouth. He felt like he knew a Camille too, who had once wreaked havoc in his life but he couldn't for some reason place where or when he knew her from.   
  
“All Camille-s are trouble, aren’t they?” asked Alec.   
  
Magnus’ eyes shot up, “You know a Camille?”    
  
“I think I do,” said Alec. “I’m not that sure,” he said, getting up to increase the temperature of his thermostat.    
  
Conversation soon sailed smoothly between them, Church never leaving their side. Magnus tasted minced pie, claiming that he had before, back when he lived in Paris but Alec didn’t believe him.    
  
Alec remembered the first time he saw an aerial acrobat, how easy it was for them to hold on tight to the ropes and gracefully fall and fly. He remembered seeing them, this time with Magnus, one serene Paris evening. He remembered being awe struck by their capacity to completely let go. He didn't know where this was coming from, why he felt like he remembered it, so he tried to repress it, and only listened to Magnus talk. It was melodic enough.    
  
As he was listening to Magnus talk about anything and everything, he felt like he was an aerial acrobat, except this time there were no ropes to hold him and he was falling and flying.    
  
Outside it was snowing and inside it was warm, both with the help of the thermostat and Magnus’ warm presence. They settled in the cordial corner of Alec’s bed as Magnus told him- “So, another fact about me, I am banned from Peru.”    
  
Alec’s face contorted into that of pure shock. His eyes widened, as he gaped at Magnus.    
  
“A whole country banned you? What?” Alec finally managed to ask.   
  
Magnus laughed. “Well, it’s a long story,” he said.    
  
“I need to know, Mr. Bane. You have to tell me,” Alec said, shuffling in closer.    
  
“You see, Alexander, it is not something I just tell people,” Magnus said shuffling even closer.    
  
“I hate cliffhangers, did you know? I need to have a story completed.”   
  
“Putting that in my get-to-know-Alexander box,” Magnus said tapping the side of his head with his finger.    
  
“What else is in it?” asked Alec, leaning behind on his pillow.    
  
“Well,” said Magnus, mirroring his actions, “you’re conscientious, someone who believes everyone around you is more important than you, better than you. You have this thing in your head where you go ahead with a preconceived notion and believe wholeheartedly that you’re disappointing everyone, which, might I say is not true. You’re honest, you’re naturally open about everything you feel and everything you want. But sometimes, you feel like you can’t be honest without disappointing everyone and those two qualities your soul is made of, collide with each other, painfully and so, sometimes, you run and sometimes, you fight- with yourself, with others.   
  
It is bred in you to save the world. If you had a choice between the love of your life and saving the world, you’d save the world- which is objectively the right choice. Your moral compass is perhaps the only thing straight about you. You’re kind, and considerate, and when need be, you’re the most-uhm-badass person I’ve ever known.”    
  
Alec, opened and closed his mouth like a fish gasping for air. “Even I haven’t figured out half the things you’ve said about me,” he said at last.    
  
Magnus smiled sadly, his eyes downcast. “Yeah. We know more about each other than we’re aware,” he said in a meek voice.   
  
Alec frowned, “Hey, no, no, your smile is sad again, I don’t have it in me to let that happen-again. What happened?”    
  
Magnus’ eyebrows shot up a little in surprise. “Nothing, Alexander. Just tired, I should head home.”    
  
“Or you could stay here,” Alec said while paying a lot of attention to the frayed parts of his blanket.    
  
“You want me to stay here?” Magnus asked.    
  
“If you want to, cause, uhm, you know, it is snowing and the roads might be covered in snow and it isn’t that safe to walk out there, now, is it so-”   
  
“Alexander,” interrupted Magnus with a smile that lit up his whole face. “I’d love that.”   
  
Alec responded with a shy smile of his own, “Okay, I’m going to grab you something comfortable to wear.”    
  
He opened his wardrobe, and Magnus walked beside him.    
  
“Wow, Alexander,” he said, sarcasm lacing every word. “You have so much colour in your wardrobe, I’m impressed,” he said, picking up a random black t-sh   
irt.    
  
“   
Thanks, Magnus. I knew you’d be impressed,” Alec said, rummaging through the wardrobe for his pyjamas.   
  
“Here you go,” he said, handing over his checked pyjamas to the bewildered warlock holding a t-shirt.    
  
Alec furrowed his eyebrows. “Why do you look stunned?”    
  
Magnus opened the t-shirt up —a black shirt with the sequined words "blink if you want me" on it and Alec blinked.    
  
“How do you have this?” he questioned.    
  
Alec grew more confused every second. “I- wow I don’t seem to recall. But I must’ve got it from somewhere, right?” he asked, running his hands through his hair.    
  
“Yes. indeed, it’s just. I had given it to someone dear to me, once upon a time,” explained Magnus, a small smile on his face. “You don’t mind if I wear this, do you?”    
  
“Knock yourself out, Magnus,” Alec smiled. “I’m gonna go change, you can change here.”    
  
“Alexander, you can change here too, I wouldn’t mind,” Magnus said, a coy smile on his chiseled face.    
  
Alec flushed red, “Thanks for the offer, Magnus.”    
  
Magnus’ smile only widened. “No problem, Alexander,” he said, unbuttoning his shirt.    
  
Alec averted his gaze, scampered to the bathroom, and pointedly ignored the muffled laugh coming from his bedroom.    
  
When he came back, he saw a shirtless Magnus sitting on his bed, rummaging through the pile of papers on his bedside table.    
  
“Oh, no no no,” Alec said and flew to where Magnus sat.    
  
Magnus did not even budge an inch. “What is this?” he asked.   
  
A little mortified, Alec took the papers from hi shand, scurrying towards his closet and dumping them in. “It’s just something I wrote a while ago,” he said.   
  
“You wrote?” Magnus asked, sitting Indian style on his bed. “Alexander, you write?”    
  
“Here and there, I- um- I do have a literature degree, so,” Alec said, even more embarrassed than before.    
  
Magnus must’ve noticed how red he went because he got up and walked towards where Alec stood. “You have a literature degree?” he asked.    
  
Alec nodded, his eyes, conspicuously roaming over Magnus’ seemingly sculptured chest. Magnus caught Alec’s gaze, smirking at him. Alec flushed again, when he noticed Magnus’ belly button, or lack of. “Why do you not have a belly button?” asked Alec, his fingers touching where Magnus’ belly button should have been.    
  
“Just a birth deformity,” Magnus muttered, moving closer to Alec. Alec gulped.   
  
“Okay,” Alec said, feeling a little trapped between the hard exterior of his cupboard and Magnus’ piercing yellow eyes whose pupils were dilating every passing moment.    
  
“Has anyone told you that your eyes resemble cats?” Alec asked, pressing against his cupboard.   
  
“Has anyone told you that you’re full of surprises?” Magnus asked.    
  
Alec moved away, suddenly feeling warm all over, quaffing the water from his bottle which was away from Magnus.    
  
“Why is the name of your book what it is?” he asked.   
  
“Because they hunt what is lurking in the shadows, Magnus. Hence they’re called shadowhunters. And it only seemed fair to name the book that,” Alec reasoned.    
  
“Of course,” said Magnus, wearing the t-shirt. “Come to bed,” Magnus said, tapping the side of his bed.    
  
“I’ll sleep on the couch, Magnus,” Alec said, grabbing his cushion.    
  
Magnus, instead grabbed Alec’s wrist. “Don’t be silly, Alexander. We can share this bed.”    
  
“Are you sure?” Alec asked. He knew damn well that sleeping in the same bed as Magnus wasn’t particularly good for his heart.    
  
Magnus looked at him with the universal ‘what the fuck’ expression. “Magnus Bane is always sure. Come on now,” he said, tapping the side again.   
  
“How do you know I sleep on the right side?” Alec asked, pulling up the covers.    
  
Magnus smiled turning towards Alec, “Just a guess, Alexander.”   
  
“A wild guess,” Alec said, turning towards where Magnus slept.    
  
Magnus yawned. “Wild indeed. Good night, Alexander. Sweet dreams.”    
  
“Sweet dreams,” Alec said and when he was certain that Magnus was asleep and the only sounds that everyone in Idris could hear was the sound of the whispering of the snow fall, he leaned in, kissing Magnus on his cheek. “I hope you know how much I like you.”    
  
***   
  
That night, he dreamt of a night in August, where he was running, and running as if late for something, only stopping to go inside a building whose interior was poorly maintained, with its dirty and rickety staircases. He dreamt of climbing the dirty brown stairs, knocking at a door that looked nothing like the rest of the building. Magnus opened the door he had knocked on, his black hair styled up, looking the exact opposite of what Alec felt. He ~~remembered~~ dreamt of wine being offered to him, only for him to spill it on himself, then Magnus grabbing the shirt—a black shirt with the sequined words "blink if you want me" on it and giving it to Alec. He ~~remembered~~ dreamt of going to a restaurant, a waiter spicing up his food. He ~~remembered~~ dreamt of a horrid date, and then saving a werewolf, or two, that was unclear. He dreamt of going back for a drink that soon turned into a something neither of them wanted to stop but had to. He _remembered_ being pushed against the wall by Magnus, feeling every single muscle of his body go rigid. He remembered initiating the whole ordeal, and remembered how delightful it felt. And then he remembered leaving, only to meet each other again.    
  
Alec awoke to a searing pain shredding him in two, a burning sensation that started where his heart was. It was as if someone was stabbing him with a knife dipped in lemon juice and then pouring more lemon juice over it to worsen the stab. It was a searing pain, and felt like it was ready to burn Alec. He woke up screaming, guarding the area that hurt, pulling his shirt over him. Magnus was immediately on his side, worry pinching through his face. “Where does it hurt, Alexander?” he asked, soothing Alec’s hair and face that was drenched in sweat.    
  
Alec couldn’t speak, but with clenched fists he pointed at the area just above his heart, between his shoulder blade and adam’s apple. Magnus soon straddled him, his one hand caressing Alec’s hair and the other over where it burned. Hot tears that were threatening to escape Alec’s eyes soon faded away into nothingness and something cold and soothing pressed down that area. The pain went away as soon as it came, fading into the commotion of early mornings.    
  
Alec seemed to have remembered breathing just then, sitting up straight, Magnus still straddling him. Alec was too far gone to feel embarrassed, instead he grabbed his phone from the nightstand and called Jace. A pained look crossed Magnus’ face which was soon replaced with genuine concern.      
  
Jace soon picked up.    
  
“Alec?” he questioned. “What’s up?”    
  
“Jace, how- how are you? Are you hurt?” Alec ask ed frantically.    
  
“A lec, what? Yes, yes, of course I am. Why’d you ask?” he asked, still sounding as if he were a little in sleep.    
  
“Nothing my- um there was this- nevermind, you’re my parabatai and- look, nevermind,” Alec said, cutting the call.    
  
Alec’s distraught eyes met Magnus’ apprehensive ones.    
  
“I don’t know why I called Jace,” admitted Alec staring at Magnus’ eyes. His lower lip quivered. “That was horrible, I- I wow, how did you make it go away? Thank you so much for that, by the way,” he rambled, the heel of his hand wiping away any tears threatening to escape.    
  
Magnus’ anguished gaze relaxed, showing Alec an iced pack. “Um, this. Found it in your freezer.”    
  
Alec averted his eyes, looking down and shaking his head. “I don’t know what that was,” he conceded.    
  
“Do you know who a parabatai is?” Magnus asked, his eyes gleaming a little.   
  
ALec shook his head, “That seemed like the right thing to say, I don’t know, Magnus, I just-” he said, stopping in middle, seemingly shaking himself out of the strange reverie.    
  
“Was it a bad dream?” Magnus asked, not moving from where he sat.    
  
“The opposite, actually. It was a great dream. It wasn’t until after the dream ended that, that happened,” Alec said, trying to wiggle his legs.    
  
Magnus, having caught the sign thrown his way, got off and sat beside Alec, holding his arm.    
  
“What was it about?” he asked.    
  
It was as if Magnus knew very well what the dream was about, the innocence on his face could very well just be acting.    
  
No point in lying, thought Alec. “Well, you were in it,” said Alec, carefully guarding his expression.    
  
“And?” Magnus asked, rubbing his hand up and down Alec’s bare arm.    
  
“Well, we were on a bad date and I was the one wearing the shirt you are now but then the date turned good near the end and we were um- you know,” Alec said twisting his fingers awkwardly.    
  
“Make out? Had sex?” Magnus casually said.    
  
“Make out,” Alec spluttered.    
  
“Okay, that’s not that bad,” Magnus said.    
  
It was the opposite of bad. It was utterly good. But Alec wasn’t about to tell him that.    
  
“What started the pain then?” Magnus asked.    
  
“I am not so sure, Magnus it just started and I woke up and woke you up. I am sorry about that,” Alec muttered sincerely.    
  
“Alexander, it’s okay. Trust me,” Magnus said and leaned in, keeping his head on Alec’s shoulder.    
  
“When I thought of waking up next to you, Magnus, this isn’t how I pictured it,” Alec said.    
  
“You pictured waking up next to me? Why, Alexander, I am flattered,” he said, snuggling closer to Alec.    
  
He was everywhere in Alec’s space, still somehow smelling like strawberries and now, he was also smelling like Alec. Alec kept his head on Magnus’ and held his hand with his other hand.    
  
“Have you seen yourself, Magnus? Everyone, wherever you’ve gone has dreamt of that,” Alec said.    
  
“And I’ll still wake up next to you,” Magnus said, moving away from Alec, regretfully. “Come now, get dressed. We’ll have breakfast, enjoy this winter morning and go to Katarina,” he said, extending his hand.    
  
Alec took his hand, standing up next to him.    
  
“Go, freshen up, I’ll make you coffee,” Magnus said, kissing the side of his head, as if this is something they did on a regular basis.    
  
Alec took a stuttered breath a small smile on his face. “You don’t have to. You freshen up, Magnus. I’ll make coffee for the both of us.”    
  
Magnus rolled his eyes. “Go freshen up, Alec. I have to make few calls anyway,” he said.    
  
“If you say so,” Alec said, giving Magnus a small smile.    
  
When Alec got out of the shower, he caught his reflection in the full length mirror. His wide eyes widened even more, as he looked at himself. His mouth stay agape, as he sucked in deep breaths from it. His fingers roamed all over his body littered in black tattoos (runes, his mind provided, runes. They’re runes, you know it).    
  
No sound came out of Alec’s mouth. Each rune was different from the rest, some even on his back. For a moment, he felt as though the earth was quivering, opening up on it’s own. A wave of terror passed through him.    
  
“Alexander,” Magnus called from outside. “Are you out of the shower yet?” he asked, his voice sounding as if it were in another realm altogether.    
  
He couldn’t find his voice. His eyes roamed all over his body, this seemingly impossible.    
  
“Alexander,” Magnus said, standing by the door.    
  
Alec’s eyes snapped to his, and he must’ve gone grey because as soon as their eyes met, Magnus came rushing through.    
  
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Magnus asked.    
  
Alec looked again in the mirror, and just like that, just how easily those runes had appeared on his skin, they were gone.   
  
Deep breaths didn’t do the usual wonders, he thought, taking deeper breaths.    
  
“There were runes on me and now they’re not and maybe I am going mad,” he said, taking his head in his hands.   
  
“Runes?” Magnus asked, understandingly confused.    
  
“Nevermind, let’s have breakfast, please,” Alec pleaded.    
  
Magnus rubbed circles on Alec’s back. “It’s alright, Alexander. You’re going to be alright,” he said, determined, like he could just snap his fingers and make everything alright.    
  
“I hope so,” he said, and they went to the drawing room, Church jumping between them, and for a moment there, Alec believed that Magnus could make everything alright.


	12. 12: i've been waiting here, for the longest time

Their last conversation had been an argument.

 

Magnus just can’t get that out of his mind. He remembers the angry look on Alexander’s face, how frightened he felt when he walked through those doors. That memory is etched into his brain, replaying whenever he closes his eyes. Whenever Alexander, well this Alexander with new memories and a different origin story smiles at him, he can see the dishevelled look his  _ Alexander  _ with his memories and his origin story had when he’d last seen him. He remembers running inside, following him, and the blast of light, the surge of energy moments before Alexander became lost to him. 

 

He remembers the day like it was yesterday. He remembers waking up next to Alec, making eggs with him, by his side, his memories intact like every other day, remembering Magnus for who he was. He remembers the sudden call from the Clave, the sudden pain to his thigh in a fight that stripped away everything that ever mattered. 

 

The memories intrude his mind, even now as he rubs circles on Alexander’s back. Alexander, he notices is as beautiful as beauty could ever be. His soul radiates through him, making him the most beautiful man he’s ever known. He gobbles up the food and gulps his drink in one go. 

 

His anxiety is apparent by his leg tapping and Magnus resumes rubbing circles on his back. That always calms him down and Magnus knows that. 

 

Alexander looks up, a soft smile on his face. “I can feel your eyes on me,” he says, his voice soft. 

 

Magnus  _ melts _ . “Darling,” he starts, “it’s you in front of me, can you really blame me?” 

 

Alexander’s eyes soften. “I’m just me,” he mumbles as if that explains why Magnus shouldn’t be staring at him. 

 

“You’re you,” Magnus says in a tone that explains why he should exactly be staring at him,  _ but someone entirely different and yet it’s still you and I’m still in love with you please  _ **_look_ ** _ , Alexander. Open your eyes,  _ Magnus doesn’t say. 

 

Red creeps up Alexander’s neck. It would be so damn easy to lean in right now, to kiss Alexander and his puckered lips and hold him close. There was a time, probably the first time Magnus tried to retrieve Alexander’s memories where he wouldn't mind starting over with him, with different memories, away from The Clave, from the horrors of the real world, in a winter wonderland with the love of his life. Repercussions followed soon and the timeline was reset, and so was Alexander, with new memories and a new origin story. 

 

“I’m me,”  Alexander replies. “I am this fucking f-”

 

Magnus silences him with his finger. “You’re you. You’re the best person I know, Alexander. You’re-”  _ the love of my life  _ “- awesome,” he ends with, cringing a little and yet, Alexander smiles at him as if he’d plucked the moon for him. Magnus drops his finger, feeling a little more flushed than he was. 

 

“You think I am  _ awesome _ ?” Alexander asks, turning toward him and closer than he was before. 

 

“Alexander,” he whines, “stop patronizing me.” 

 

“Aww,” he says, moving even closer. “Magnus Bane, I think you’re awesome too.”

 

There’s hardly any space between them anymore. Magnus did not remember the room being warm. Alec is intently looking at him, his hands moving closer to Magnus’. Magnus does not realise he is moving close to Alexander until his eyes are peering directly into his soul and until Magnus’ heart is beating as though it wants to pop out and give itself to Alexander. It was as though Alexander just came to his life one fine day, and asked Magnus to give him his heart and Magnus agreed instantly, and all of his life was in Alexander’s hand the moment he first saw him. Alexander’s hand covers Magnus’ and he feels the sparks the run-up his arm. 

 

“What are you doing, Alexander?” Magnus murmurs as he leans in even more. 

 

Alexander put his free hand on Magnus’ cheek and replies in an equally low tone, “I am being brave and I am thinking that I really, really want to kiss you right now.” 

 

All breath is knocked out of him the moment Alexander mutters those words. He gasps, just a little, caught off guard. And he’s about to give in, he really just has to tip his head a little for their lips to meet when the doorbell rings. 

 

It's a truth universally understood by all, yet universally misunderstood by many- that everything happens for a reason. 

 

'Everything' sometimes, isn't worth the reason, and the reason sometimes isn’t worth everything but it still happens. Some people, like Magnus, believe in a mystified link between the two and some people like Alec believe in the unfortunate coincidence between the two. 

 

So when the doorbell rings, Alexander jumps away and so does Magnus. He would’ve given in, just like that if not for the doorbell. He would’ve given in without Alexander really even knowing who he is. 

 

Alexander, on the other hand, looks startled and a little disappointed. He stands up, his hand leaving Magnus’ and then he’s walking towards his door, opening it to let Catarina in. 

 

Magnus stands up at once as well. “What are you doing here?” 

 

Catarina gives him a pointed look. “It looks like it’s going to be a storm. I thought I’d come here since you stressed how important this was to you.”

 

Magnus doesn’t buy it and looks outside the window. It is hardly snowing outside. But Alexander immediately straightens up and runs toward the sofa to make it a little more hospitable. 

 

“Ms. Catarina, please, please grab a seat. I am going to grab you a cup of tea, or coffee, or whatever you like, really, I have a lot of choices-

 

“Alec, darling, tea sounds great,” Catarina cuts him off, sitting down and setting up the coffee table to seem like a legitimate dream therapist. 

 

“Which one would you like?” Alexander asks, opening up the cabinets. “I have jasmine, and oolong, and lemongrass.” 

 

“Jasmine tea sounds wonderful, darling, thank you,” Catarina replies, pulling Magnus toward Alexander’s bedroom where he can’t hear them. 

 

“Did you stay here last night, Magnus?” she asks him. 

 

“Why are you here, Catarina?” Magnus asks her, ignoring what she’d asked him.

 

“You were about to kiss that boy,” she chastises. 

 

“What if it is a kiss that solves everything, Catarina? What if that is what brings him back?” Magnus whispers. 

 

“Do you think you’re a goddamn Disney Prince, Magnus?” 

 

“I am perfectly qualified for one, don’t you think?” 

 

“Magnus, for everyone’s sake, be serious about this, won’t you? You haven’t much time-”

 

“Do you really think I am not serious about this, Catarina? Do you honestly think I don’t want him to come back to me? I know we haven’t much time. Why is it that you think I’m spending so much time with him? He remembers a lot, and he fears he is going a little insane. He saw his runes today, Catarina, I mean this is better than all those other versions of him, we just need to give him a little push-”

 

“Whom a little push?” Alexander asks from the door. 

 

Magnus’ heart is in a frenzy. He hopes he looks the opposite of what he is feeling. “Max, darling. He hasn’t been socializing much.”

 

Alexander still looks a little suspicious and Magnus can’t fathom why until he remembers that they’re in his bedroom. 

 

“Don’t mind us, Alec, we’re here because I wanted to get a feel of where you sleep and Magnus was kind enough to show me where that was,” Catarina says, holding Magnus by his arm and pulling him forward. 

 

Alexander still doesn’t look convinced, but he nods his head and they head towards the table Catarina had set up for them.

 

“I made tea for all three of us,” he says, sitting across Catarina. Then he expectantly looks at Magnus and pats the space beside him. 

 

Magnus is aware of how he looks at Alexander. He is aware Alexander,  _ his  _ Alexander had told him exactly how it was and yet, he flushes when Alexander,  _ this  _ Alexander catches him. 

 

“What?” he asks in a whisper, bumping his shoulder with Magnus’ just when Catarina gets up. 

 

“Just give me a second, I need to attend to this call,” she says in a hurry. Both of them barely register her leaving the room. 

 

“Just you,” Magnus replies and Alexander blushes. He expects him to look away, instead, he holds Magnus’ hand again. 

 

“Why do you look at me like that?” Alexander asks. 

 

“Like what?” Magnus coyly asks. 

 

“Like the way you do, Magnus. I have never been looked at that way before.” 

 

“Darling, I don’t think you’ve ever been around someone like you before.” 

 

“Magnus,” Alexander says, a little breathless. “The way you look at me, god, I never want you to stop looking at me that way. I know I sound horribly selfish right now, but I just- you’re so-” he says and then clenches and unclenches his fists and then tries to gesture something with his fingers. 

 

Magnus, who has already had this conversation with Alexander before holds his hand and says, “Alexander, you don’t have to worry about that because I’ve never met someone as extraordinary as you,” he says tucking Alexander’s hair behind his ear. 

 

Alexander suddenly frowns, moving away from Magnus. “What’s the matter?” Magnus asks. 

 

“I feel like I’ve had this conversation with you,” he tells him and then looks behind Magnus where Catarina is ending the call. 

 

“Why have you put body paint on?” Alexander asks. 

 

“Body paint?” Catarina frowns.

 

“Yeah, why are you blue and why is your hair suddenly white? I mean no judgment whatsoever, I’m just curious.” 

 

Catarina and Magnus make eye contact. Her glamour is no longer visible to Alec. 

 

“Are you absolutely sure that that is what you see?” Catarina asks, rushing towards where they sat. 

 

“Uh,” Alexander says, looking at Magnus and then back at Catarina. He rubs his eyes and then looks back at Magnus. “Not any more,” he says. 

 

Catarina let out a disappointing sigh. “That was one of those illusions, wasn’t it?” he asks, holding Magnus’ hand tightly. 

 

Catarina smiles sadly. “Alec, it isn’t an illusion. Show me your dream diary, yeah? We’ll figure this out together.” 

 

He leaves Magnus’ hand and goes to his bedroom to fetch it. 

 

“You’re right he is much more conscious than before,” Catarina murmurs. “We have to try everything, Magnus.” 

 

Magnus takes a shaky breath. “When he comes back to me I am going to be so mad at him, and then I am going to hold him and then be mad at him again.” 

 

“He did it for you, Magnus. This is a small price to pay for your life, Magnus,” Catarina whispers. 

 

“I feel like I’ve died six times in the past year, Catarina. It was my time, I should’ve died.” 

 

Catarina is about to reply when Alexander walks back in. 

 

“Here it is, and what do you mean by it isn’t an illusion?” he asks quizzically.

Catarina, Magnus notices, is calm during the most anxious situations. He figures that that is something he should’ve observed by now, after all, she is his oldest friend, and yet he can’t help but feel that that is something she gained from working in a hospital.    
  
She looks at Alexander, unruffled as she is, and says, “It isn’t an illusion, Alexander. My skin is actually blue.”    
  
Catarina, Magnus notices, is the most straightforward person he knows. She doesn’t quite grasp the concept of easing someone in.    
  
Beside him, Alexander laughs. He throws his head back and slaps his knee and laughs his heart out.     
  
“Catarina,” Alexander says after a few moments of catching his breath, “you’re hilarious. Magnus, both your friends are polar opposites, really.”   
  
“Both my friends?” Magnus asks confusion apparent in his voice.    
  
“Ragnor, I meant. He is as serious as they come, but Catarina, you,” he says leaning forward, “you’re hilarious.” 

 

Magnus winces and Catarina’s gaze becomes solemn again. The thing about this grand illusion they’re living in that became obvious the minute they landed there was that everyone else here was also an illusion. Except for Alec and Magnus, and now, Max, Catarina, Izzy, Jace, and Clary. Once Magnus figured out how to get people from the other side out here, he tried getting everyone he could. Seeing Ragnor here for the first time made him think this whole place was a delirious fantasy that his mind played right before he died, but alas, that wasn’t it. 

 

Ragnor’s death was a wound that was still fresh and seeing him every day, listening to others talks about him everyday was hard enough as it was. 

 

Alexander picks up on the solemn environment. “Is something the matter?” 

 

Catarina clears her throat and smiles at Alexander. It isn’t as real as she thinks it is. “Nothing darling. We just haven’t seen him every day. Anyway, as I was saying, this isn’t an illusion.” 

 

Alec laughs again and then looks at the expressions both of the carry. “You don’t look as though you were joking.” 

 

Catarina shakes her head a little. “That’s because I wasn’t.” 

 

She flips the pages of the book Alexander handed to her. “My skin really is blue, and my hair really is white.”

 

Alexander looks confused, “What do you mean?” 

 

“You keep saying that you see things that you think are ‘crazy’”, she says closing the book and putting it aside, “tell me, Alexander, what happens if you actually start believing yourself and everything you see and dream?” 

 

“I become medically insane then,” Alexander murmurs. 

 

“No, my dear,” Catarina says, “what if that is who you truly are?” 

 

Alexander seems transfixed, eyes unmoving and stiff like a statue. “You’re asking me to believe my delusions?” 

 

“I am asking you to believe what you think is real.”

 

Silence looms over them for a while. Alexander doesn’t even move, except for holding Magnus’ hand. 

 

“I don’t know what is real, Catarina,” he finally says in a small voice. 

 

“I think you do, Alec. Deep down, you know what is real and what isn’t,” she replies, leaning back. 

 

He squeezes Magnus’ hand and Magnus squeezes back. 

 

He is silent when Catarina speaks again. “All your life, ever since you remember, you feel like you’ve been living a dream. The actual dreams that you’re getting, however, seem more real than your past has ever seemed” 

 

Alexander’s jaw almost hits the floor. Catarina carries on. 

 

“These last two months that you’ve been here are probably the only time you’ve not felt as though you’re living a dream, especially when you’re with Magnus.” 

 

His hand leaves Magnus’ and he stands up and starts pacing around. Magnus wants to go hold him but Catarina’s gaze holds him where he is.

 

“These last two months, Alexander, you’re thinking a lot of a past that you remember living but at the same time you feel as though someone else has lived through it. So my question to you is, why don’t you try believing in the dreams and delusions that you keep seeing?” 

 

Alec is rooted in one spot, staring at Catarina as though she opened Pandora's box. “How did you gather all of this from five pages of a dream journal?” 

 

“How did you not?” 

 

“I- this is ridiculous, though, right?” he looks at Magnus, his eyes wide and his mouth contorted in an incredulous smile. 

 

“Absolutely ridiculous. I am not- I mean even if I DO believe in what I think is real, what would- how, rather would I stop- like I don’t, I do-” he sits beside Magnus and hold his head in his hands. 

 

“My brain is spinning, I admit that I do feel that but that isn’t to say that I would start believing in what is actually happening though, right? Like you’re implying that all my life is a dream but my dreams are actually my real life?” he asks, rocking back and forth. 

 

“I am asking you to believe in what you see and feel, Alec. Just believe in that and your actual dreams will fade away,” she says, getting up. “Well, my time is up, Alec. I should get going.” 

 

“Oh- no, please don’t I am more confused than I was. Now I don’t even know what to think.”

 

Catarina smiles. “Sleep over it, Alec. It’ll get clearer as the days pass by.” 

 

Alec nods, looking a little more defeated,  “thank you for your help. I don’t quite understand what I'm meant to get out of believing everything I see and feel, but I am going to try my best.”

 

“I am sorry, Alec. I would tell you the whole truth if I could but if I did then it would end rather poorly,” Catarina says, walking toward the door. 

 

Magnus and Alec walk with her. Alec furrows his eyebrows. “What do you mean by the whole truth?” he asks.

 

Catarina turns to look at him with a sad smile. “Think of the truth you’re being subjected to like sunbeams through your window. Looking at the whole sun will burn your eyes. Here,” she says removing a box out of her bag and handing it to Alec. “This is a herbal remedy for sleep. Pop one an hour before you wish to sleep. They’ll help you sleep better. It seems as though you haven’t a chance to sleep well.” 

 

She leaves and Alec turns towards Magnus. “I am more confused that I was. Do you know what’s happening?” 

 

Magnus must’ve looked guilty because Alec nods and takes a step backwards. “You know what is happening and yet you won’t tell me. Got it.” 

 

“Alexander, nothing would give me more joy than telling you everything and yet, I can’t,” Magnus says. 

 

“You can’t or you won’t?” Alec says. 

 

Magnus sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. “Both, Alexander, a little bit of both.” 

 

Alec looks crestfallen. “Right,” he scoffs. “The only person who feels real here hides things from me.” 

 

This, Magnus concludes, is more painful than dying. Disappointing  _ his _ Alexander. He never wanted Alexander to have this look on his face because of him. But alas, how could you possibly say,  _ If I tell you everything, my dear Alexander, you’ll go into a state of shock, only to be woken up with new memories and it’d be the seventh time you look at me without a hint of recognition. I don’t think my feeble heart can handle that.  _

 

“I am sorry,” Magnus says, his voice breaking. “I am so, sorry. It’ll get better, Alexander, I promise. I will tell you everything you need to know when the right time comes along. It’ll be alright.”  _ And if it doesn’t,  _ he doesn’t add,  _ you won’t remember this and you’ll be a whole new you in one more week.  _

 

“And if it doesn’t?” he asks. “What if this gets worse and I end up living two lives at once?” 

 

“That won’t be the case, Alexander. Trust me on that.”

 

He turns towards Magnus. “I don’t know what to trust, Magnus. I simply don’t.” 

 

“Trust in what you think is right,” Magnus replies. 

 

“I can’t trust in what I think is right, Magnus. That would be taxing and not good for my health,” he says. He looks convinced. 

 

Magnus sits beside Alexander and puts a hand on his shoulder. Alexander shrugs it off and Magnus feels another piece of his heartbreak. He clenches his fists and takes a deep breath. 

 

“How come you can’t, Alexander?” 

 

“Because,” he replies, looking up at Magnus with eyes laced in tears, “that would mean believing we’re together, Magnus. That would mean believing that Max is my son and that I am not who I am.” 

 

Magnus’ eyes widen. Oh.  _ OH.  _ “We’re together in your dreams?” 

 

“My dreams are literally wishful thinking, Magnus. They’re delusions. Wishful delusions. That isn’t actually true but I feel as though it is. You see how fucked up that whole concept is, Magnus?” Alexander says, his voice rising higher with every word. 

 

“We’re together in your dreams?” Magnus asks, a surge of relief passing through him. 

 

Alexander looks defeated. “Yes, Magnus. Somehow I know what it would feel like to kiss you without even kissing you,” he laughs without a hint of mirth.

 

“Alexand-”

 

“I know it is weird, alright? I shouldn’t be feeling that God knows I shouldn’t but when Catarina asks me to believe in what I think is real, it fucks me up because what I think is real is wishful thinking, Magnus. It is what I wish for. I wished my life would be more interesting than it is and now I am having dreams where I have cool tattoos and I fight demons,” he says and then frowns, getting up and pacing around. 

 

“Wait, I didn’t actually dream that,” he says, widening his eyes and grabbing his notebook only to realise “Wait, no, that is what the main character of my book does.”

 

He then looks at Magnus and without giving him a chance to respond bursts out laughing. “See, Magnus? I can’t even differentiate between what I’ve written and my delusions.” 

 

“Alexander, please take a deep breath,” Magnus says, holding Alexander’s shoulders to stop him from pacing. “You don’t look like you’re breathing.” 

 

Alexander looks delirious at the moment. “I-” and that’s when the doorbell rings the second time, interrupting what could’ve been a groundbreaking moment in both their lives. 

 

He sprints towards the door, opening it to reveal a man with sandy blonde hair. Magnus immediately loathes him even when he knows that this person isn’t even real. 

 

“Alec,” the wanna-be surfer speaks. 

 

Alexander looks baffled. “Who are you?” 

 

“Alec, I am Marcus, surely you remember me,” Marcus says. 

 

“I feel as though I should remember you,” Alec says, “but I don’t.” 

 

Surfer-bod looks as though someone broke all his surfing boards. “I am Marcus, your ex-boyfriend. Alec, remember me?” 

 

It should be noted that it is in this moment Magnus decides that if he ever sees his biological father ever again, he will kill him ten times over. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for disappearing again. uni started and i've been an absolute mESS. thank you for being patient with me and thank you for your kind comments <3
> 
> title is from Earth Dad's 'You Again (We Can't Be Friends).'


	13. the cosmos never let us settle down and rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi there! the chapter title is from Yabadum's Cosmos (it is a really fun song, you should give it a listen!)   
> I hope you're all doing well and have had/will have a great day/night!! <3 :))

Looking at Alec’s bewildered face,  _ Marcus _ asks in a shocked voice, “You don’t recognize me?” His eyes seem wider than they were as if they would just pop out of their sockets.

This question shakes Magnus out of patricidal fantasies. “You don’t recognize him,” Magnus comments in a relieved voice.

“I don’t recognize him,” Alec staggers and walks back until his back hits Magnus. Alec seems flabbergasted and he turns toward Magnus, clutching his t-shirt. “Why don’t I recognize him, Magnus? I have known him since,” and he stops, turning toward Marcus again as though recounting how many years he’s known him for.

“For fifteen years, Alec!” Marcus exclaims, dropping his bag on the floor and moving toward them. “We were together in school, Alec, what is up with you?”

Being physically and mentally close to a person for years can give one an idea of what emotions they’re feeling by only being in their space. Alec is still leaning into Magnus and he can feel the turmoil of emotions Alec is going through. Alexander shivers, unconsciously leaning into Magnus. He wishes he could fight this battle for Alexander.

“I- I don’t know,” Alec stammers out. “Why are you here?” he asks, now standing beside Magnus.

Marcus’ eyes significantly soften and he tries reaching out, but Alec flinches and Marcus has the absolute audacity to look hurt. “I- I am here to take you back, Alec. We made a mistake breaking up and I want you back. I  **_need_ ** you back,” he says. His act looks unbelievably realistic and Magnus can feel Alec’s resolve break. His shoulders slump and he glances at Magnus, looking back at Marcus.

Before Alec can say something that would sabotage all the progress that they’ve made, Magnus swoops in, holding Alec by the waist. Alec relaxes in his touch as Magnus says, “It was lovely to meet you, Marcus which is why I should tell you that we’re together now, Marcus, Alexander, and I. Also, I’d suggest you go out the same way you came in.”

Alexander looks at Magnus, bewildered for a moment but relaxing as soon as Magnus finishes the sentence.

Marcus, however, sneers. His fists clenched, his jaw clamped, he steps forward which makes Alec take a step back, pulling Magnus with him. “You’re with this clown?” he asks, pointing a finger at Magnus.

“Address your question at me if you are going to mention me, darling,” Magnus says.

“Well then, asshole, why are you with my ex-boyfriend? I am supposed to be with him,” Marcus says.

“If you are,” Magnus says itching to use his powers, “then he wouldn’t quite be your ex, now, would he?”

“You’re a clown, and he deserves better,” Marcus stands his guard and glares up at Magnus.

If Magnus hadn’t had a hands-on experience of Alexander fainting every time he used his magic and thus making the magic a catalyst of restarting the whole system again, he would’ve mutilated Marcus’ illusion. Alas, he did and Marcus’ smirk spoke volumes about how he knew about that too.

Beside him, Alec straightens up and clenches his jaw, “he is not a clown, and I suggest you show my boyfriend some respect.” Magnus is dumbfounded and turns to look at Alec, his eyes shining with determination and anger pouring through him. How did he ever think this would go in an unfavorable way?

Marcus' eyes glint dangerously. “Come on, baby, I came here just for you. I literally traveled around the world for this. For  you ,” he says, trying to move closer to Alec, who takes a step back, pulling Magnus along with him.

Marcus, Magnus notices, is relentless. He is one of the most talented illusions Magnus has seen since his time here. It is as though everything about him screams ‘ _ I miss my ex-lover and I want him back’  _ Not even a pore screams fake. “I miss you, baby,” he says, his face contorting to look wounded. “We were so good together, I can’t believe you flew in the middle of nowhere because we broke up,” he says.

“I didn’t fly here because we broke up, Marcus,” Alec says. “I broke up because…” he pauses, a perplexed look on his face. “…because of some other reasons,” he finishes, glaring at Marcus. “And I need you to leave immediately.”

“Leave? You must be joking, right? We were so good together, why did we even break up?” Marcus laments, looking defeated.

Alec tries to answer and chokes up as if forgetting what to reply. Instead, he asks, “yeah, Marcus, why did we break up?” Alec asks, crossing his arms and moving in front of Magnus.

Marcus takes a step back. “Uh- well, you know, we drifted apart. With work and uh, the band and uni?”

“I am sure that was it,” Alec takes a menacing step forward and Marcus takes on back. If illusions could feel emotions, Marcus would be positively frightened.

“I want to be with you, Alec. You’re my… everything,” Marcus says.

“Your replies are riddled with clichés and answers I could’ve picked out from any Hollywood heterosexual rom-com, Marcus. At least be creative with your answers. Is Marcus even your real name?” Alec asks and then shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter, I want you out of my house.”

“So you’ll trust this clown that you’ve met only a month ago and not me, who you’ve known for over 15 years?” he asks, defiantly crossing his arms too.

“Don’t you dare call him a clown, asshole. I trust someone that feels real, and you very much don’t so get the fuck out of my apartment,” Alec says and all the smug that Marcus had faded away.

He sneers directly at Alec. “I am staying in a motel nearby for another two weeks, Alec. I will be there if you want me, anytime. ‘Cause I know I want you, babe,” he says in a tone that conveys the opposite of what he said.

“I don’t think there would ever be a time in the future that I would make that regretful decision. So get the fuck OUT!” Alec shouts and Marcus scrambles away, slamming the door behind him.

Alec is still heaving when Magnus puts a hand on his shoulder. Alec turns toward him and crashes into his chest. Magnus holds him there.

“I am alright, I am just, a little, you know,” Alec mumbles on Magnus’ chest. Magnus just holds him tighter.

“I couldn’t possibly know, and yet I can imagine what it is that you’re going through,” Magnus says.

Alec looks up to him with tear ridden eyes and a defeated look on his face. “Magnus do you know what it is that is going on? Because you keep saying like cryptic things to me and if you know what’s happening to me, you need to tell me.”  

Magnus’ throat burns. “Alexander, you have to understand. There’s nothing more I would like to do more than tell you everything that is going on. I just- I can’t. I’ve tried to tell you before and it hasn’t ever worked out and I just-”

Alec pulls away from him and Magnus automatically leans toward him but Alec takes another step back, physically distancing himself from Magnus. Magnus sucks in a breath through his mouth and looks down.

“What do you mean by you’ve tried before?” Alec asks, his hands folded in front of him.

“Right, I- I have and it hasn't worked out,” Magnus said, his heart in his mouth. He shouldn’t have said that.

“Oh Magnus, we both know you’re not as bleak as you’re trying to seem right now. When did you try that?” Alec asks, rolling his eyes.

“Alexander, I can only try again when the timing is right.”

“But here’s the thing, Magnus, the timing is NEVER going to be right. You have to tell me one day. Why can’t that day be today and the time be right now?” Alec screams. His screams wake Church up from the corner of the room who runs toward him.

 

“Because it just CAN’T, alright? It has never worked before and it is highly likely it won’t again. You have to trust me on this, Alexander, I am trying my level best!” Magnus shouts and then regrets it the very next second. He knows how Alexander is feeling right now. He knows how confused he is and how much he wants to pull his own hair and Magnus’.

 

“You are trying your level best to piss me off, Magnus! I don’t even fucking know if I can trust you!” Alec screams and then sighs, sitting on the chair and rubbing his face. “You know what? I am too tired for this shit.”

Something breaks off of Magnus’ heart. He knows in his heart that this Alexander,  _ his  _ Alexander is scared, alone, and highly confused. He knows all of this seems like a bad dream to Alexander. He knows that he has to be strong for Alexander. He knows a lot of things that he is supposed to be doing right now. But he is also feeling a lot. Months of repressed feelings come bubbling up. Rational arguments still don’t shake off what he feels right now. That feeling where he is also scared, and alone, and highly confused. He wants to do nothing more than curl up beside Alexander, let him hold him the way they did when things around them got too tough. The way they always stayed in a small bubble when the Clave got too tense and their lives were plagued by the darkest times.

Now, when Alexander is looking at him with disdain, all he wants to do is break down. He can feel the tears welling up and he blinks them away. Alexander notices the shift in Magnus because his shoulders slump but he is still rooted where he stood, looking at him with the same scornful expression.

“What do you want me to do, Alexander?” Magnus asks, hating how his voice sounds, weak, broken, and terrified.

Alec takes a deep breath. “It has been a long day, Magnus. I just want to sleep this off with Catarina’s pills. Can we meet tomorrow?”

Magnus shakily nods his head. At least he isn’t kicking him out completely.

“Please text me if you need me?” Magnus asks, going to grab his jacket.

Alec seems guilty. “Yes,” he says, and then: “Magnus, I-”

“Alexander,” Magnus sighs. “It is alright. I understand, I really do. I am going to give you some well-deserved space. However, please do not hesitate to reach for me. I am here for you, whenever and wherever.”

“Magnus if only you’d tell me what is going on. I feel as if I am reliving a dream, over and over. Running out of a door only to end up in the same place again.”

“Alexander, believe you, me. I can’t tell you everything. But it will be more clear as time passes. It will for sure,” Magnus says, moving closer to where Alec stands.

He puts his hand on Alec’s cheek, Alec leaning into his touch and closing his eyes, only to open it up again. He looks at Magnus ruefully, gazing into his soul as he always does.

“I am going to go now, Alexander. I want you to take care of yourself,” Magnus says.

Alec nods and Magnus leaves the house. Magnus directly goes to Catarina’s house.

Catarina must see how distraught he looks because she hugs him as soon as she opens the door. 

 

Catarina holds him right there as he tries not to sob against her. “What happened?” she asks at last.

 

“He knows that I know what the full story is, Catarina. I can’t deal with this. It is heart wrenching, unimaginable even. You’d think living over four centuries old would have given me the experience and the resilience to deal with this situation and this pain and yet, I cannot even look at him without feeling like breaking down. Dying was less painful than this and I can say this because I did almost die,” he says, heaving against her chest.

 

Catarina rubs circles on his back. “Magnus, that is absolute rubbish. This will end, one day, we will be out of whatever the hell this is and you’ll be with him.”

“But what if it doesn’t? What if this is how it goes? He doesn’t come back to me and then keeps reforming until he grows old and dies right here, without knowing what the reality was. I cannot keep doing this to him, to Max and to myself, Catarina. Do we really think all his memories will come back in a week? The rate of him recovering his memories has not been what we expected. He’s the love of my life and seeing him in pain and feeling betrayed by him, makes me want to kill Asmodeus,” he says, and he can feel the anger spike up in his veins.

“Alec’s memory has been improving every day, Magnus. You cannot lose hope like this.”

“But I keep losing hope, Catarina. I am terrified. I keep losing the only one who fits. I keep losing the love of my life, over and over, with absolutely nothing in my power to stop this. I am helpless, here. Absolutely worthless,” Magnus’ eyes start to water a little and rubs the heel of his palm against them. 

“Magnus, I am not going to let you talk about yourself this way, you hear me? We are going to fix this. I promise we are. But I need you to hold on and hope for the best, hon. That is the only thing we have under control. Besides, I gave him something that might accelerate his memory or it’ll just help him sleep a lot,” Catarina says, moving across from Magnus, and pouring water from a kettle in two mugs.  

  
  


“Is that what the pills were?” Magnus asks, walking over and opening her cabinet to remove the variety of tea bags she had in store. 

  
  


“Mhm, and they’re completely herbal with a pinch of magic so it won’t cause any adverse side effects,” Catarina says, picking up two lavender tea bags. 

  
  


“Wait, hold up, you used  _ magic?  _ Why? What if it causes something we can’t handle?” Magnus says, panicked even though he rationally knew that it absolutely cannot get worse than this. He’d just lose his Alec again. And again. And again. Until the Prince of hell is satisfied. 

  
  


Catarina tilts her head and looks at him. “Cannot get worse than the time you actually erased his memory of you trying to bring him back, right?” 

 

Magnus shakes his head and graciously accepts the tea. “Right. Sorry, today’s been a day heavier than the others. His ex-boyfriend came in today, fighting for him to come back to him,” Magnus says after a while.

Catarina who had been holding the mug of tea put the tea mug down with such force that the tea sploshes inside and outside. “Wait, what?” Her eyes are bright. “You do realize how this is a good thing, right?”

“Catarina, how exactly is this ‘a good thing’?” Magnus says drinking his tea.

Catarina’s movements are frantic and jumpy, as she goes on to grab the rag that she had on her counter. “How many times has something from Alec’s past life bothered him like this? It has always been up to you, and ONLY you to bring his memories back. And this time you must have succeeded enough because something from Alec’s fake past tried reminding him of something,” Catarina says, excitedly. “This means you’re closer than you were before and it is only a matter of time before he regains his memories,” she says, turning towards him. “And, if everything goes right, the pills will remind him of everything that actually happened.” 

“Catarina, I am not quite sure about that. Whoever controls this-”

“Mostly your father,” Catarina interrupts, drinking the rest of her tea.

“-simulation who is mostly my father, is an actual demon. He may just want to make this fun for himself. He feeds off of memories and pain, remember? Who’s to say this wasn’t pre-determined?”

“Well, only one way to find out, right? Go back to him. Stay with him, Magnus. He needs you. The only way his memories come back is if he stays with the one thing he was most familiar with. You’re the most familiar thing here, Magnus, go to him,”

Magnus sighs, holding his head between his hands. “He doesn’t want to see me, Cat. He really doesn’t.”

 

“Magnus-”

 

“Cat, if we push this, he’s only going to resent me more. I will send him a text but I can’t push it any more than I have. You know how delicate the situation is.” 

 

“I do,” she says, “But this is the closest we’ve been and-”

 

“-which is why I don’t want to screw this up.” 

Catarina nods and places their mugs in the sink. “Come on, let’s order some pizza,” Catarina says, “thank god the simulation/whatever the fuck this is has good food,” she gives a weak chuckle.

Magnus smiles, “would you mind if I stayed here today?”

“You don’t even have to ask, Magnus,” Catarina says which in retrospect may not have been the smart thing to do.

 

Stomachs full and hearts heavy, they go to bed.  He sends a quick text to Alec saying  _ ‘Hey, I am sorry for today. Can we please have a cup of coffee tomorrow and clear this out?’  _ and tries sleeping.    
  


Sleep comes fast to him but his unsound sleep is disturbed by the shrill cry of his phone. He picks up the call from an unknown number, disregarding the texts he’s received from Alec. 

“What?” Magnus asks groggily, rubbing his eyes and checking the time. 

“Mr. Bane,” a voice says “this is the sheriff speaking.”

“Yeah?” Magnus asks, switching on the lamp. “What is it? Is everything alright?” 

“I am afraid not, Mr. Bane,” the gruff voice says, “we regret to inform you that your house is on fire.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!  
> Hope this was worth your time! Please comment if you feel like I need to improve on something or if you just want to make my day! ^_^  
> Come say hi on [ tumblr](http://pandurvasbox.tumblr.com/)


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